The Hawkfrost Dating Show
by co-to-nuts
Summary: Watch - or rather, read - this exciting and dramatic daytime drama: Hawkfrost hitting on any and every she-cat that we can think of. Torture of random characters is guaranteed.
1. Spottedleaf

"HHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO CLANS!" Echoed from the big-screen HDTV's surround sound.

"What?" Tallstar asked, putting a paw to his ear. "I can't hear him!"

"Cause you're going deaf, you old coot." Lionheart rolled his eyes.

"I heard that."

"Oh so you made a magical recovery? Wow, we must really be in StarClan after all!"

"Just shut up and turn the volume up, Lionheart." Whitestorm rolled his eyes. "Is that Brambleclaw?"

"Yes, it is. And he's wearing - a kittypet tie?" That was Oakheart, who was gaping at the screen. "A _black_ kittypet tie?"

"He must be going for the Kitty Bond look." Redtail remarked, munching on his popcorn. Yes, they have popcorn in StarClan. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

They also have couches and TVs, too. Take that.

"Welcome to The Hawkfrost Dating Show, in which we will torture random cats randomly. I am your host, Brambleclaw - "

There was a deafening screech of "WE LOVE YOU BRAMBLEY!"

Brambleclaw just stared at the small group of she-cats gathered. "Do _not_ call me _Brambley_."

"Yeah, only his _mommy_ can do that!" Ashfur yelled.

Brambleclaw attempted to get back on track. "Ignore the annoying gray pain-in-the-tail, if you please. He's just mad cause I got the girl. Now, back to introduction, our prime torture subject shall be none other than... HAWKFROST!"

There were many, many boos from the audience, especially from RiverClan, as the tabby walked out beside his brother. "Where am I? I thought I was dead."

"You are dead. And you will _stay_ dead." Brambleclaw glared for a moment at him, then turned back to the camera with a pleasant smile on his face. "Now, what is The Hawkfrost Dating Show you ask? Well, why don't I let Hawkfrost here explain it."

"It's a dating show. Why can't we just move on?" Redtail remarked, only to be 'shushed' by Whitestorm.

Hawkfrost, holding poorly hidden queue cards, looked up at Brambleclaw. "I don't know how to read."

"Just read it."

"But -"

"NOW!"

"Okay, okay, no need to get your tail in a knot..." Hawkfrost cleared his throat and stared hard at the que cards, which he held right in front of his face. "The Hawkfrost Dating Show is... w-w-_here_ we shall put... Hawkfrost with random she-cats - Hey, wait a second, I thought this was a karaoke show? Like StarClan Idol?"

"You're not in StarClan, you idiot, so you'll take what we give you." Oakheart stated.

"No, we wouldn't torture the wonderful audience by having them listen to your horrible caterwauling." Brambleclaw continued. "So yes, you are the star of your own show." He looked back at the camera, his oh-so-shiny smile back in place. "Now, our first contestant is one that absolutely repulses me. Let's welcome... Spottedleaf!"

And with that, the beautiful, starlit tortoiseshell came onto the screen and sat down on the other side of Brambleclaw, away from Hawkfrost. "Can we make this quick? I have dreams to walk in, prophecies to foretell, a manicure appointment to make, so come on, let's go."

Brambleclaw shook his head before answering. "We'll try not to take up too much of your time, Spottedleaf. Now, shall we read the oneshot?"

"This should be good." Tallstar had stolen Redtail's popcorn and was munching away, eyes glued to the TV screen.

-----

"Yes, Leafpaw, I know Cinderpelt told you to go by the Owl Tree to find some, but that was trampled on today by a stray dog passing through. The twolegs will restrain him soon, but for now I want to keep you safe. Here, there's some down by the river." Spottedleaf sat down and watched as the medicine cat apprentice dashed off to collect her herbs, and then came back up to the StarClan cat with a bunch in her mouth. "Good, go take them back to Cinderpelt."

Leafpaw nodded, muttering "Thank you, Spottedleaf." between her mouthful of herbs, and ran off to camp.

Spottedleaf cocked her head to the side when she noticed a dark, tabby shape by the river. But, that couldn't be, Tigerstar was- She paused. Well, of course. That was Hawkfrost, not Tigerstar. It was so easy to mistake Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw for their father. She padded up to the river, seating herself beside it. "Hello, Hawkfrost. How's the prey running in RiverClan?" She knew, of course, but it was always polite to ask.

He looked up suddenly, and Spottedleaf was startled by his bright blue eyes, as she was expecting amber. "Who are you?" He demanded.

"Spottedleaf. ThunderClan's former medicine cat." She answered, slightly offended by his tone. "Who are you to talk like that to StarClan?" She usually wasn't so mean.

"I am the son of Tigerstar." He seemed proud of this fact.

Spottedleaf didn't like it. "And? You are not your father."

"So what if I am?"

"Then I'm very worried for you." She answered quietly. "Tigerstar suffered because of his treachery, and if you choose to follow the same path, so will you."

"I don't need you to look after me."

"Do you?" She asked, genuinely concerned. Hawkfrost seemed like he could go on to be a great warrior, she wanted to help him. After all, he was half-ThunderClan. "Are you honestly sure about that? You need my help and you know it. You're not sure what you want, so you chose a path that you knew from start to finish. That doesn't have to be your destiny, Hawkfrost. Look at Firestar - think about that path."

"The path of a kittypet?" He spat.

"The path of a Clan leader." She answered, leaping over the river - she was StarClan, she could do that. She sat down next to him, looking at his blue eyes. "The path of a good, respected cat."

"That means nothing to me. The path to greatness is fear, bravery, and battles."

"That's what Tigerstar has taught you, and he is wrong. You saw where those things got him." She answered. "Why will you not listen to me?"

"Why are you so worried about me?"

She paused. "I've been watching you for a long time, Hawkfrost. You are a great warrior, don't be like him."

"That doesn't answer my question. That avoids it."

"I just do not want you to be like Tigerstar, Hawkfrost. You have so much more potential than to end up like him." She tentatively touched his shoulder with her tail-tip. "Please, think about your actions." And with that, she stood. "I can do no more than ask." She jumped back over the river, but before she could walk off, Hawkfrost called to her.

"Spottedleaf!" She turned to face him. "Thank you."

She smiled and nodded her head, then continued walking.

----

The audience echoed with various boos and awwws.

"Well, that was the episode, everyone, please come back next time to find out who we put Hawkfrost with next!" Brambleclaw announced, shining his sparkly smile at the camera. "Good night everybody!"

And with that, the screen went blank, and in the normal fashion of credits, the words began to scroll upwards. First came the actors -

Brambleclaw - himself

Hawkfrost - himself

Spottedleaf - herself

Producer - Tigerstar

Director - Tigerstar

Camera cat - Littlecloud

Makeup - Barkface

Clothing provided by - Daisy

No Cats were harmed in the making of this oneshot. Though some might be mentally scarred.

Cotonuts do not own anything slightly related to Warriors. This is just their sick and twisted imagination.

After the credits had stopped rolling, Whitestorm stared at the screen. "_Tigerstar_ was the _producer_?"

"And the director!" Lionheart interjected.

"Dang..." Oakheart remarked.

"It was good!" Redtail bounced up and down hyperly. Apparently they had let him drink a mountain dew. Yes, they even have mountain dew in StarClan. Nyah. "I wanna watch the next one!"

"Dude..." Lionheart stared at him. "He killed you."

Redtail just stared blankly. "So?"

"Sometimes, Redtail, I worry about you." Whitestorm remarked. "But I'm not going into that right now; right now I want to congratulate Tigerstar on his show."

And so, by using their StarClan super powers, they summoned Tigerstar to the TV room. "What the- Oh, what do _you_ want?"

"We wanted to thank you for putting such a cool show out on the TV," Tallstar announced.

"Yeah, there's nothing on anymore but old Kits of Hazzard, StarClan Idol, and The Young and The Miceless on nowadays." Whitestorm rolled his eyes. "You'd think someone would put something decent on TV."

"Uh... Thanks?" He looked around sneakily. "You guys thought it was good?"

"Yeah!" Redtail was bouncing again. "When's the next one coming out?"

"How should I know? We're on a budget."

"Well... Do you know who'll be in the next one?"

"Eh..." He thought for a moment. "I was actually thinking of Silverstream and Feathertail."

"Dude, you really _are_ evil."

"And don't you forget it."


	2. Silverstream

**Faith:** Tada!

**Star:** Yay! Another!

**Faith:** Hope you laugh as much as I did when I wrote this (btw, we wrote the first chapter together, this one's TOTALLY mine)

**Star: **We still don't own warriors.

**Faith: **But there are some tiny, tiny, minuscule things we do own.

**Star:** But alas, they are tiny, tiny, and minuscule.

**Faith:** So anyway, here it is!

* * *

"OH! GUYS! IT'S ON!" Redtail screamed. Whitestorm, Oakheart, Lionheart, and Tallstar all made their way to the couch.

"Hello once again, Clans of the lake!" Brambleclaw exclaimed. "Tonight we have a surprise for all of you – a double feature!"

"Oh!" Lionheart exclaimed.

"Yes, tonight is," The drums got faster and the spotlights went around in circles until they landed on a neon sign that lit up in the bright words that Brambleclaw announced: "THE TORTURE GRAYSTRIPE EPISODE!" Cheering ensued, coupled with a loud "WHAT?!" from Stormfur, laughing from Firestar and Ravenpaw, and a high-pitched, distressed mew from Graystripe.

Whitestorm, Oakheart, Tallstar, Lionheart, and Redtail rolled around laughing, and Oakheart even fell off the couch. "Oh…Great…StarClan…they…DIDN'T!" Whitestorm exclaimed between laughs.

Tallstar tried to stop. "They did…."

Brambleclaw grinned. "Now, welcome back, our evil, dead, bachelor: HAWKFROST!" A lot of boos, along with a couple of cheers – yesterday's episode had been good – sprang up as the tabby came on stage.

He glared at his brother. "What torture do you have in store for me today, Brambleclaw?"

The host grinned. "Yes, well tonight we have two contestants-" Hawkfrost groaned. "The first of which is....SILVERSTREAM!"

Graystripe screamed, Firestar and Ravenpaw laughed harder, this time joined by everyone else who knew the former ThunderClan deputy – though the laughing was mostly from Firestar, Ravenpaw, Sandstorm, and Dustpelt. Brook and Millie mewed sympathetically, while the apprentices and young warriors (coughjayfeatherhollyleafandlionblazecough) yowled with amusement.

The five dead deputies and leader resumed their rolling and laughing. Redtail fell off the couch this time – though Whitestorm knew good and well it was because Lionheart was pushing them.

The silver tabby trotted up on stage on the other side of Brambleclaw, giving him a deathly look. "Umm…..LET'S READ THE ONESHOT!" Brambleclaw blurted, before the RiverClan she-cat could say anything.

--------

Silverstream frowned at him.

Hawkpaw smirked at her.

He knew what she was thinking – oh yes, he did. He knew she didn't approve of him, and he knew that she did.

Because he _knew_.

She remembered that day, not more than a quarter-moon ago, when Mistyfoot found out the extent of his knowledge….

"_If you tell a soul I will have your pelt." Mistyfoot threatened, bristling._

_Hawkpaw nodded, taking on that seemingly trustworthy look that Crookedstar had fallen for. "I won't, Mistyfoot." The future deputy gave him an extremely angry look, and then dashed away to see what Leopardfur needed._

"_Just because you say that doesn't mean you mean it." Silverstream frowned heavily at him. "Promise."_

"_I promise I won't tell anyone about the kits."_

_Silverstream dipped her head to him. "Then they are safe."_

No matter his promise, she still didn't trust him – even if he was just an apprentice.

She stood up and trotted over to Leopardfur. "Could I please have an apprentice to accompany me to the river? I'd like a drink of water."

Leopardfur nodded. "Hawkpaw!" Silverstream felt like she was about to fall over dead any second. He looked up at her from his now finished piece of fresh-kill. "Take Silverstream down to the river for some water."

He nodded and got up, trotting over to the silver queen just as the deputy walked away. Silverstream was uneasy – she did _not_ want to be alone with him.

But, she walked anyway, treasuring the silence, as she knew he would break it sooner or later – most likely sooner. "Why did you do it?" He asked.

"Because I love him." She answered. "And I am proud to be bearing his kits."

"No matter how much trouble it is to keep the secret?"

"No matter."

"But still, you knew it was against the rules – that Clans don't mix. But you kept seeing him anyway."

"I did."

"Because you love him?"

"Yes." They reached the river, and Silverstream bent down to drink from it, as Hawkpaw kept talking.

"Either you have bees in your brain or no regard for the warrior code."

Silverstream's head snapped up as she growled loudly at him. "Do _not_ question my loyalty. You have no _right_."

"Fine." Hawkpaw trotted down beside her and took a drink. She stared at him – that infernal, sleek, tabby with those ice cold eyes. Why would _anyone_ trust this cat? He looked evil, he _felt_ evil – let alone if you listened to his words. He sat back, and then looked at her. "You know, I was just trying to figure out what made you do it."

"I already told you, I –" She stopped, realizing what had made him go on. "You don't believe that, do you?"

"Believe what?"

"That love exists."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Prove to me it exists." He stared evenly at her. "Where."

"A warrior's love for his clan-"

"Is merely loyalty."

"The warrior code-"

"That too."

"A mother and her kits." She said firmly. There was no _way_ he could deny-

"Natural instinct."

She stared. All right, maybe he could. But _StarClan_ why did he have to be so difficult? A mother and her kits was the purest of loves and he shoved it aside like a tiny piece of fresh-kill in greenleaf. She was beginning to get frustrated, but she didn't give up. She just had to find something surrounding him. The warrior code didn't work, either did Clan loyalty, and he obviously didn't feel any obligation to his mother or sister so….

It hit her.

_NO!_ She thought. _Don't say what's not true!_ But she couldn't stop the words from coming out of her mouth as her head screamed in protest. "You and me."

He stared – he obviously hadn't expected that from the expecting queen. "_What?_" She didn't answer. "You're serious?" Silence, once again. "Well, maybe…"

It was her turn to stare – he was _considering_ the existence of love, and here she was expecting another tom's kits. He was an apprentice anyway….but that didn't mean a thing. "Finally." She said. "I was beginning to think you'd never see it."

She flicked him on the ear with her tail tip, and then rested it on his broad, tabby shoulders.


	3. Millie

**Star: **Hello, peeps!

**Faith:** Hiya!

**Star:** Read my chappie! Faith had her own, it's my turn! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHA!

**Faith:** Um...Star? You need to take this a little less serious.

**Star:** (cocks eyebrow at Faith)

**Both:** (bursts into laughter)

**Faith:** Take...less...seriously...(tries not to laugh more)

**Star:** Oh, that was priceless (glares at readers) What are you doing? READ!

* * *

"And welcome back to the _Torture Graystripe_ episode! I'm your host, Brambleclaw-" The handsome tabby was once more interrupted by his crazed fan-she-cats.

"WE LOVE YOU BRAMBLY-POO!"

He turned a shade darker under his fur as he gritted his teeth. "_Brambley-poo?_" The fan-she-cats nodded, big smiles on their faces. He shook his head, then smiled rather forcefully at the camera. "I would seriously enjoy setting Squirrelflight loose on them. But back to business, we are not here to torture my annoying fan-cats, we are here to torture Graystripe."

"Wow, wonder how the writers came up with _that_ title." Littlecloud, who was manning-er, I guess it should be _catting_ the camera, remarked with an eyeroll.

"Actually, Stormfur came up with it." Firestar, who had a front-and-center seat, called up to the stage innocently, causing Stormfur to glare at him.

Graystripe glared at his oldest son. "I can't believe you. _My own son_."

Stormfur shrugged. "I needed a good laugh. This seemed like the easiest – and safest – way to do it."

"Safest?" Brambleclaw arched an eyebrow.

"It was this, or make fun of Stoneteller's name. I mean, _come on, Stoneteller_? How retarded does _that_ sound?"

"He has a point." Brambleclaw mused before returning to the subject at hand. "Ahem. Let's bring Hawkfrost out on stage, please." And so, the tabby was led out to where Brambleclaw was, in shock from the ordeal with Silverstream. "Would you like to know who the next she-cat will be, brother dearest?" Brambleclaw smirked.

"Uhh…" Was all Hawkfrost could meow.

"Glad to see you so excited! Now, will miss Millie please come out?"

And the pretty gray tabby came out. "Wow, she's _really_ hot." Redtail's eyes became two large pink hearts, his tongue falling out of his mouth.

"Shut up, dude! That's just _wrong_!" Lionheart exclaimed, swatting him with a paw.

"Shh, you two, I'm trying to watch this!" Whitestorm snapped, munching at his popcorn.

Graystripe was focused in the camera, and he cut a hilarious figure. His amber eyes were bugged out, his jaw was on the ground, and his fur was on end as he screeched. "_MILLIE?_"

"Ah…Let's go to the oneshot, shall we?" Brambleclaw said desperately, as Graystripe lunged for both he and Hawkfrost with a wild caterwaul of rage, while Millie chanted.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

----------------------------------------------------------

Hawkfrost awoke with a start. He'd had a blood-chilling dream: Brambleclaw had killed him! _When I see him again, oh the fur will fly_, he growled to himself as he stretched, emerging from the warrior's den.

He was greeted by his clanmates and after returning their greetings, he sauntered out of the RiverClan camp, eager to clear his mind. _A nice walk is just what I need_, he remarked thoughtfully.

Then he caught a scent on the breeze. As he inhaled he knew it was an intruder, so he quickly went to settle the matter. Maybe it would even impress Leopardstar into making him deputy again. Sure, she would need to get rid of Mistyfoot, but no matter. He could do that easily.

He noticed how the stranger's scent grew stronger, so he ran now, eager to meet it.

He did not expect, however, to meet a pretty she-cat.

There she was, her silver tabby coat glistening in the sun, her warm blue eyes growing shiny as she realized she was lost. He thought she was the most beautiful she-cat he had ever seen.

The side of him that resembled his father, however, was seeing this as yet another opportunity. He stalked closer to her, careful to keep out of sight, downwind, so he could watch her for a moment. He could hear her talking to herself.

"That's the last time I take directions from _Graystripe_. Puh, I should have known he'd only want to get me lost."

"Well, consider yourself found." Hawkfrost decided to emerge from the shadows. "You're in RiverClan territory. You really shouldn't be here."

"I'm sorry." He could hear the sincerity in her voice. "I'll leave-"

"Did I say you had to go?"

"No…"

"I'm Hawkfrost."

"My name's Millie."

"So you're a kittypet?" He could hardly believe the beautiful silver she-cat was a kittypet.

"Not any longer." There was a sour note in her voice, so he decided to get off the subject.

"How'd you get here, then?" He sat down, curling his tail around his paws comfortably. She did the same before answering.

"I came with that stupid, flea-bitten excuse for a warrior, Graystripe. He told me he'd take me to the Clans, told me all kinds of stories, too stupid, mouse-brain…"

"So, are you looking for ThunderClan, then?"

"Well…No. Not anymore. That's where Graystripe was going and I don't ever want to see him again."

A sudden impulse struck him. "You could stay in RiverClan, if you'd like, perhaps."

She looked up at him, her blue eyes met his in a hopeful smile. "Really?" He nodded, a smile of his own in place. "Thank you, Hawkfrost." She moved closer to him, pressing her muzzle into his neck. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." He could barely speak the words as he stood, leading Millie back to camp. _You mouse-brain!_ He could already hear Tigerstar's yowling. _You're growing soft. You should've gotten rid of her!_

_Eh_, he thought to himself as his tabby shoulder touched Millie's silver gray one, _Tigerstar can deal_.

Right now, he was happy, walking to RiverClan with this she-cat.

_Very happy_.

-------------------------------------------

A black-gray tom was staring at the camera. "Uh…" Seemed to be the only word he could get out. Finally, a tortoiseshell she-cat pushed him out of the way.

"Ignore Crowfeather, he's tired. I'm Tawnypelt, Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost's sister, and due to difficulties, I shall be hosting the rest of this episode." The camera switched to a picture of Hawkfrost on a gurney, IV stand next to other various machinery that was hooked up to him. Brambleclaw was in a wheelchair, wrapped ear-to-tail-tip in bandages. Graystripe was leaning against a rock, crutches supporting him, while Millie stood beside him.

"As you can see," Tawnypelt continued. "The fight got out of paw, so to speak, and had to be taken care of." She smiled, not as white and shiny as Brambleclaw's. "Thank you for enjoying this episode of the Hawkfrost dating show. Please tune in next time to see more cats get tortured." She turned to glare at her brothers. "And it better not be me. It's bad enough you had to call me down here. I have kits to take care of, you know."

And with that, the screen went blank, and the credits went on the screen.

Brambleclaw – Himself

Hawkfrost – Himself

Graystripe – Himself

Silverstream – Herself

Stormfur – Himself

Millie – Herself

Crowfeather – Himself

Tawnypelt – Herself

Firestar – Himself

Director – Tigerstar

Producer – Tigerstar

Camera Cat – Littlecloud

Make-Up – Barkface

Clothing – Daisy

Writers – Stormfur

This has been a TigerClan production. No cats were harmed in the making of these oneshots. Well, except for Hawkfrost, Brambleclaw, and Graystripe. But they'll get better 'magically' before the next episode. Cotonuts does not own anything Warriors related. Though perhaps they may claim some of these mentally scarring pairings their sick and twisted imaginations have given them.

"Well, Tigerstar? How do you do it?" Whitestorm asked in awe.

Tigerstar shrugged. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

"But we're already dead, genious." Oakheart rolled his eyes.

"And you killed most of us." Lionheart and Redtail glared.

"Eh, doesn't matter to me." Tallstart shrugged and started changing the channels on the TV, leaving the others glaring at Tigerstar. "What else is on? Oh! Pokekat!"

"NOOOO!"


	4. Princess

**Star: **Gosh, this is fun (cackles maniacally, then skips around) This one is all mine too! Don't ya just love it!

**Faith:** (pats Star's shoulder) You really shouldn't have had that mountain dew.

**Star: **(glares at Faith) Do not bring the 'dew into this. (Looks out at viewers) Faith wrote the second part of this one, and she may post it later on. I dunno, cause I have the notebook copy and I don't knowifshesavedittohercomputerornotand (starts bouncing while talking so fast no human can hear her)

**Faith:**(Wraps Star up in duct tape, keeping her silent and still) No more caffeine for you today. (Looks out at viewers) Well, go read. If you review, I'll keep Star wrapped in the duct tape... if not... well, let's just say you might have a hyper visitor later. (Giggles, then runs off to confiscate Star's stash of mountain dew)

* * *

"And HELLLLLOOOOO clans!"

"Quick, Tigerstar, did you get the popcorn?" Redtail asked.

"You ate it all, mouse-brain," came Tigerstar's reply, "but I got oreos." He threw the cookies at Redtail, who eagerly opened them and began chowing down.

"Hey, I thought we couldn't have chocolate?" Lionheart remarked, glaring at Tigerstar suspiciously.

"That's dogs, stupid. Besides, we're already dead; what's it matter?" Oakheart meowed.

"Shut up, he's talking," Tallstar ordered, flicking his tail at the TV screen, from which Bramble-oh-so-sparkly-smile-claw was, in fact, speaking.

"Welcome back to The Hawkfrost Dating Show! As you know, I'm your host -"

"BRAMBLE-"

"If you say 'Brambley-poo' I swear to you; you will not see tomorrow." The tabby tom hissed at the she-cats that made up his fan club, who were all stricken into silence at his threat. Regaining his composure, smile back on his face, Brambleclaw turned back to the camera, behind which you could hear the camera cat, Littlecloud, snickering. "Hawkfrost, perhaps you would like to join me on stage now?"

"No, I wouldn't," the voice came from off stage. "After the last episode? Nuh-uh, no way, no thanks."

"Oh, come on, bro! Don't be a 'fraidy cat."

"I'm not a 'fraidy cat, I'm just... worried for my safety, that's all."

Brambleclaw growled. "I'm going to count to five. If you aren't out here by then, I'm going to drag you out here myself."

"Fine, fine. Gah, you're cranky today." Hawkfrost padded out on stage. He was still bruised from his encounter with Graystripe, even limping a little. "You need to take a vacation, a little time off." He waggled his eyebrows teasingly at his brother. "Take Squirrelflight on a little getaway."

Brambleclaw turned a shade darker under the fur. "No, I just need a better day job."

"But, Brambleclaw, it's such a good idea!" Squirrelflight called from the audience, her eyes lighting up with excitement as Brambleclaw hid an eye-roll. "We could go to Paris! Oh, no, let's go to Spain! Or China!"

"NNNNOOOOO!" The audience wailed.

Leafpool quickly leaned over and whispered something in her sister's ears. Squirrelflight's jaw dropped, and her green eyes went wide. "You mean... the twolegs...?!?!" At Leafpool's nod, she cringed. "Eh, we'll just go to Hawaii. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii."

Brambleclaw glared at Hawkfrost, as if saying 'now look what you've started', before turning a strained smile to the camera. "Well, now that we have our star out here, let's welcome our special guests, shall we? All the way from the old forest, please welcome Princess and Ravenpaw!"

"'Bout time," Whitestorm muttered.

As the two cats walked out on stage, the audience started cheering. Cloudtail yelled "Mommy!", causing all of the ThunderClan cats to stare at him.

Ravenpaw looked around for a moment, before turning to glare at the tabby brothers. "Wait a minute... You said we won a free vacation!"

"You did," Brambleclaw agreed.

"We just didn't tell you all the details," Hawkfrost finished, with a guilty glance at Brambleclaw. "She's Firestar's sister, right?"

"Yeah -"

"HOLY CATS!" Ravenpaw exclaimed, growling. "You tricked us!"

"Nothing gets past him," Oakheart rolled his eyes.

"He may not look like the sharpest cat in the clans, but watch out, prepare to be amazed!" Whitestorm joined in.

"He didn't get it from me," Tigerstar protested, before thinking a moment. "Well, he may have gotten the 'holy cats' from me..." This caused the other toms to roll their eyes, and Tallstar turned up the volume.

"Aww, come on, Ravenpaw," Graystripe, fully recovered and smiling evilly, cackled. "You get to beat 'em up in the end!"

Ravenpaw contemplated this, before nodded. "Okay. So long as Princess doesn't mind."

Princess, however, wasn't paying attention. She was waving to Firestar and blowing kisses to Cloudtail, like any good mother would.

"Uh... can we just... read the oneshot?" Hawkfrost asked nervously, backing away as both Ravenpaw and Graystripe eyed him. "Please?"

Brambleclaw glared at him. "That was _my _line, furball."

----

Princess sighed. She was bored. She wished she could visit Rust- Firestar, she corrected herself, and her son, Cloudtail. He was a warrior now; she was very proud of him. She always had hoped he would enjoy the life of a wild cat with her brother. She was proud of Firestar too; he was the leader of the clan!

_ThunderClan can't be too far away_, she thought to herself. _Maybe I'll just... pop over for a visit_.

She hopped down from the fence, eager to find her brother and son. She padded into the forest, searching for any sign of them. She was captivated by the beauty of the forest. She could see why Firestar loved it so much more than a life with housefolk with fences and yards and pellet food. She didn't mind it at all; she would never be able to survive out here. That didn't stop her from being fascinated, of course.

She walked on. And walked. And walked, and walked, and walked some more, with still no sign of Firestar or Cloudtail. Soon, she had to cross a river, and did so over some rocks that jutted from the water, then she encountered another scent. She could smell a trace of... fish? Perhaps there were housefolk out here, on a picnic... But then she smelled the scent of fish and cats, mixed together.

_Fish-cats?_ she pondered before shaking her head. _That's silly. Even if I am a kittypet, I should be smarter than that._

"Well, hello."

She jumped at the sound of the voice. She turned to see a rather handsome tabby tom standing behind her, staring at her. She struggled to find her voice. "He-hello. I'm Princess. I... I'm lost."

"Lost, eh? Perhaps I could help." He sat down. "I'm Hawkfrost."

"I'm looking for ThunderClan. My brother, Firestar, lives there, and my son, Cloudtail."

"I see," he meowed. "You're in RiverClan territory. ThunderClan is that way." He flicked his tail. "You'll need to cross the river, then you'll see the forest. Just go in there and walk, you'll find some kind of cats in there, sooner or later."

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Hawkfrost. You're very kind."

He smiled back, though something in his eyes made her shiver. "It was no problem. In fact, it was a pleasure. Perhaps I could walk you to the border, just to ensure you don't lose your way again?"

She pondered his offer. On one paw, he did make her a little nervous, and she was sure it would be a relief when she was out of his line of sight. But on the other, he seemed very nice, and polite, and he was very handsome... "That would be nice," was all she said, however. He smiled again, then stood and began leading the way, and she walked right along beside him, keeping pleasant conversation going.

Soon they had made it to the 'twoleg bridge', as Hawkfrost called it. He led the way over, but stopped. "Well, this is where I leave you. ThunderClan is that way, and I'm sure a patrol should happen along soon." He nodded his head to her. "Good-bye, Princess."

She smiled back. "Bye, Hawkfrost." She watched as the tabby padded back over the bridge, and disappeared into the bushes on the other side. But she did see how he had looked at her over his shoulder before she was completely out of sight.

For some reason, the thought made her smile.

----

"Dang..." Whitestorm just gaped at the screen. "_Dang_."

"Who knew your son could be _nice_," Oakheart remarked.

"Hey," Tigerstar answered, "they both get it from me, you know."

"Uh-huh? That so?" Redtail snickered.

"Yes, really." Tigerstar glared at him. "And if you want to argue the point, keep this in mind; I gave you those cookies, and I can take 'em away!" That shut the other tom up.

"Well, folks, that's the first oneshot of this episode!" Brambleclaw was saying to the camera, though Hawkfrost was trying to hide behind his older brother. "Stay tuned for the next part, after these messages!"

But before the screen went to commercials...

"GET 'IM!" Graystripe yelled.

"HHHEEELLLLPPP!" Hawkfrost yowled as he ran from Ravenpaw.

"Ooh, take him down, Ravenpaw!" Firestar meowed from the audience.

"Kick 'im! Kick 'im!" Sandstorm joined in.

"Hit him with the right!" Graystripe cheered. "Left! Right again!"

And then the audience shared a collective wince. "Ooooh."

Lionheart snickered. "That's gonna leave a mark."

"Barkface is gonna have a fun time trying to cover _that_up." Tallstar agreed, cringing at whatever was playing on the screen.

Tigerstar, Whitestorm, Redtail, and Oakheart were too busy rolling on the floor laughing at the sight to comment.


	5. Daisy

**Faith:** Tada! I wrote this one! And I must say, I'm quite happy with it,

**Star:** (giggles) I like the part with-

**Faith:** (covers Star's mouth) Shush! Let them read!

**Star:** Oh, right...well, we don't own Warriors, tic-tacs, or curlers.

**Faith**: Now read! Enjoy! Review! Which reminds me, we please ask our readers not to swear in their reviews - flaming is perfectly fine, but please, refrain from language. I like my innocence just the way it is, thank you very much. Now, away from my ranting (but I am serious) ENJOY!

* * *

"Can I have your popcorn?"

"No."

"Just….just some of it?"

"No."

"A pawful?"

"No."

"One piece?"

"NO!"

"A kernel?"

"Stop!" Oakheart exclaimed. Redtail stopped bouncing and pouted. "Doesn't work with me."

"Yeah, it only works with -" Lionheart stopped. Both Oakheart and Redtail were glaring at him, still angry about being pushed off the couch during the Silverstream episode.

"Eh, just shut up and watch." Tallstar yawned, causing Whitestorm to flinch away.

"Dude!" Redtail exclaimed. "Your breath _stinks_!"

"Just watch the show," Yelowfang muttered, jumping up on a chair.

"How'd you get here?!" Lionheart demanded.

Yellowfang gave him a look. "I'm StarClan, how do you _think_ I got here?"

"Well, you walked through the door, and -" Oakheart stopped speaking on account of looks from the others. "What?" He said, confused. "She could have meant -"

"Shut up while you're at it," Yellowfang muttered.

"Me? Oh, you wanna go at it, medicine cat?"

"Don't you make me pull out the death berries on you boy!"

"I'm _so_ scared!"

"Hey, I_ killed_ my _only child_ – you think I'm gonna hesitate to-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Whitestorm yelled. Tallstar flinched.

"If we weren't in StarClan," Yellowfang snarled.

"AH!! THE TERROR!" The other cats stared at Redtail, who was rolling around on the floor, covering his ears, and screaming.

"What _terror_?" Lionheart asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Redtail sat up, perfectly fine. "Well, for one, Tallstar didn't eat the breath mint I gave him." The others glared at said Clan leader before Redtail lapsed into hysterics again. "And I heard the VOICES again! THE VOICES!"

"What voices?" Oakheart demanded, staring at the former deputy like he was insane – which, he was.

"_THE_ VOICES, OAKHEART! _THE VOICES_!"

The others looked at each other, shrugged, and then turned to the TV, ignoring Redtail, who was still rolling and making loud noises. They drowned him out by turning the volume up ten notches – thus making the volume on 63, because old cats usually have it on 53. Because they had been talking, almost completely missed the beginning (or middle, rather - two parter) and came in at the middle. Of course, they were having tech issues, so it wasn't too entertaining.

"Who's this?" Tallstar asked.

"They did Princess, so they're probably going for another kittypet involved with ThunderClan," Oakheart observed.

"Unless Firestar has another sister," Redtail mused. Yellowfang hit him on the head. "Ow."

"Hey, could you guys turn it down? I mean, honestly, you old coots." Tigerstar came in, rolling his eyes heavily. But at the wrong moment.

"TURN IT DOWN!" The door flew open and there stood Brindleface. With…

Redtail, Lionheart, Tigerstar, and Whitestorm dove under the couch cushions, while Oakheart and Tallstar looked on with slight fear. Who was this she-cat? Yellowfang rolled her eyes.

"But-" Oakheart started.

"NO BUTS!"

The former RiverClan deputy dove under the couch.

"Now, Goldenflower, lets not be so snappish," Brindleface came up, trying her best to placate the angered ThunderClan she-cat. Goldenflower her former Clan-Mate a 'look'. "Oh, you're right – TURN THAT FOX-DUNG DOWN, YOU MOUSE-BRAINS!" And with that, Brindleface strode off, quiet and content again.

"If you think _that_ was scary…." Redtail trailed off, looking at Tallstar, before shuddering. He then noticed Goldenflower glaring at him, squeaked, and went back to his hiding place.

"_Tigerstar_," Goldenflower growled. "I know you're in here."

"YES! YES HE IS!" Lionheart pushed the tabby into her view.

"TAKE HIM AS A SACRIFICE, OH HOLY GOLDENFLOWER!" Whitestorm chipped in.

Goldenflower thought about this. "Oh, all right." She grinned evilly, dragging a screaming Tigerstar out of the room by his scruff, and shutting the door behind her.

"Hey look, the oneshot's on!" Yellowfang, unfazed by the incident, turned the volume up two notches. "Oh, it's Daisy from ThunderClan! This should be good."

"RiverClan rejects kittypets," Hawkfrost growled. His companions nodded, but didn't come to force. After all, it was just a single kittypet and her three newborn kits.

Claiming to have smelled a water vole, Hawkfrost deserted his patrol after sending the kittypets away. He raced back to her.

"Hawkfrost!" She exclaimed. "What's going on?"

"You shouldn't be on RiverClan territory, Daisy," he said, giving her an affectionate nuzzle. "It's not safe."

"But -" She protested. "Our kits, Hawkfrost." She mewed.

"I know; but you can't stay here," Hawkfrost nodded toward WindClan land. "Follow the moors around thee lake until you get to a forest. That's ThunderClan territory, you'll be safe there. Firestar will make sure you and the kits are taken care of."

She sniffed. "Oh... Okay. But...Will I ever see you again? Will our kits ever see you?"

"Maybe someday. For now, just go, they need shelter for the night. ThunderClan will give it."

"All right," Daisy nodded and shepherded the kids away.

Somehow, Hawkfrost was grateful for ThunderClan's hospitality. Or, weakness as he called it.

Yes, this would make ThunderClan look weak. Tigerstar would be proud.

In the back of Hawkfrost's mind, where Tigerstar could never reach, he wailed for his mate and kits.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Dude. Weird." Redtail remarked. Whitestorm nodded.

"That's the end of our show, hope you enjoyed it. Tune in next week for another exciting episode of... The Hawkfrost Dating Show!" Brambleclaw exclaimed.

"WE LOVE YOU, BRAMBLEY - AHH!" Crazed she-cats filled the stage, being viciously chased by Squirrelflight.

Brambleclaw poked his head out of the mass of she-cats. "Goodnight!" The credits started rolling, and for a moment, everyone stared, as there was some music playing. Elevator music, to be exact.

But, the strange looks were over – well, maybe not. Redtail was dancing to the music.

"Well, he was more like Hawkfrost this episode," Tallstar remarked, batting at Redtail, who still didn't stop dancing.

"Eh, it was just like last week," Yellowfang swatted a paw at the air.

"Old coot," Lionheart muttered under his breath.

"Call me old," Yellowfang unsheathed her claws. "One more time!"

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Redtail, Tallstar, and Oakheart chanted.

"I'll go get the popcorn," Whitestorm whispered.

"Salt!" Oakheart asked.

"Extra butter!" Tallstar added.

"Not if you keep adding things!" Whitestorm hissed.

They all flinched and fell silent when Lionheart let out a loud yowl, causing an angry Spottedleaf to dash in and demand to know what the noise was. They stared at her in shock, their mouths hanging open.

"What, you've never seen curlers before?!"


	6. Ferncloud

Star: AHA! I wrote this one, and I love it!

Faith: (giggles) I love it too! Don't forget to review, people!

Star: Yeah, and don't forget about the language thing.

Faith: Or we will send Graystripe out after you, and that wouldn't be very nice, would it?

* * *

"Hey, Whitestorm, turn up the TV!" Tallstar meowed demandingly. "It's on!"

"YAY!" Redtail plopped himself beside the former leader on the couch, reaching over and grabbing a handful of gummy worms. But before anyone else was able to say anything, there was a loud noise.

"Go check that out, Lionheart." Whitestorm ordered.

"Awww, why do I always have to go?" Lionheart whined. "Pause it until I get back."

"Pause it?" Redtail gave him a blank stare. "We can't pause it."

"We're StarClan, for our sake! We can afford to get Tivo!"

"Nuh-uh," this time it was Oakheart who spoke. "It's actually DVR. So there."

"RiverClan freak," Lionheart stuck his tongue out at the other tom, then went to investigate what the noise was.

"Deputy of StupidClan…" Oakheart muttered under his breath.

"Hey, calm it down," Whitestorm commanded. "We can't be fighting. We need to save our energy for laughing at the TV, remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

"But I thought the reason we couldn't fight was because we have to set a good example for the cats down there to follow, even if they won't follow the example we've given them an example of, which ultimately is the ultimate example we can give them, showing them they should in fact follow every example we've ever given them an example of."

Everyone turned and stared at Redtail. However, it was Tallstar who spoke. "I'll just pretend that didn't happen and go back to eating these delightful little gummy things."

"You probably have the best idea, Tallstar." Oakheart agreed.

"Aye, aye, aye." Whitestorm sighed. "You guys seriously need to –"

"Guess what!" Lionheart burst back into the room. "Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat!"

"What?" Whitestorm could already feel a headache coming on.

"It's the girls!"

And in came Spottedleaf, Bluestar, Frostfur, and Willowpelt. Whitestorm felt a touch calmer when Willowpelt came and sat beside him.

"What can we do for you?" Oakheart asked gallantly; apparently, now that the she-cats – namely Bluestar – were in the room, it seemed he had miraculously matured.

"Well, our TV is broke, so we were wondering if, perhaps, we could watch our show in here?" Spottedleaf asked politely.

"But, but, _our_show is coming on!" Tallstar whined.

"Well, what were you ladies planning on watching?" Whitestorm asked.

"Desperate Den-Queens," Willowpelt rubbed against his shoulder. "So can we _please_, Whitestorm? _Pretty please_?"

"Ha! You think _that_routine is gonna work?" Redtail scoffed. "Tell her, Whitestorm." But Whitestorm remained staring down into Willowpelt's blue eyes. "Whitestorm. Whitestorm? Tell her, buddy, tell her she can't have the TV to watch Desperate Den-Queens."

"Be a man, Whitestorm. Tell her no!" Tallstar meowed. "We have to watch The Hawkfrost Dating Show!"

Spottedleaf visibly stiffened. "You _watch_ that _fox-dung_?"

"It's entertaining," Lionheart nodded.

"Hilarious, even." Oakheart added. "I especially liked the one with Millie. That one was funny!"

Bluestar glared at him for a moment, causing him to shrink, before bursting out in laughter. "Dude! That was hilarious! Do you remember –"

"Bluestar!" Frostfur interrupted. "Stick to the cause!"

"But –"

"No buts!" Spottedleaf said sternly. "As your medicine cat, I believe it is in your best interest to stick to our cause!"

"Besides, the guys have the best TV anyway!" Willowpelt called out.

"Wonder why," Frostfur rolled her blue eyes.

"Aw, come on, you guys!" Redtail spoke up again. "Just let it go."

"Yeah, it's our TV, and we're watching what we want to watch!" Lionheart agreed.

"Wait, wait, wait," Whitestorm halted any arguments. "Why don't we all watch The Hawkfrost Dating Show, and after that we'll all watch your _Desperate Den-Queens_."

Frostfur, Willowpelt, and Spottedleaf exchanged glances, before Frostfur nodded. "Deal."

"Hey, guys! I brought the root beer!" And in came Tigerstar, holding a six-pack in both paws. However, his cheery attitude came to an end when he saw the four guests. "_Chicks_? You guys let _chicks_ in here?"

Bluestar growled, narrowing her eyes at the tabby tom. "_YOU_!"

Tigerstar returned the expression. "_YOU_!"

"Now, now, you two, let's not fight," Whitestorm tried to calm them down.

Of course, the other guys weren't helping matters.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Tallstar was chanting.

"B-L-U-E-STAR! BLUESTAR! BLUESTAR! GO! GO!" Redtail was acting as a cheerleader.

"She will, she will rock you!" Lionheart was pounding his paws on the floor. "She will, she will rock you!"

"You can DO IT!" Oakheart cheered. "Kick his tail, baby!"

Bluestar turned to glare at him. "_Baby_?"

"Sorry."

"_Baby_?" Tigerstar tried not to snicker, but he couldn't help himself. "_Baby_?"

"Shut up, _Tigey-wigey_."

"That's low."

"I'M UNPAUSING IT!" Frostfur yowled, holding the remote. "AND I'LL TURN IT TO DESPERATE DEN-QUEENS!"

"She's a she-cat on the edge!" Willowpelt warned.

"NNNNOOOOOOO!" Redtail and Lionheart latched on to one another, before realizing that they were, in fact, hugging, and jumped away from each other.

Whitestorm rolled his eyes and snatched the remote from Frostfur. "Give me that," he growled, sitting down on the couch and unpausing it before any cat could say any different.

"Hello, Clans!" A different voice introduced the show this time, as the camera revealed not Bramble-oh-so-shiny-smile-claw, but his lovely mother-in-law, Sandstorm. Her ginger fur was glossy and shone in the camera light, she had a diamond kittypet collar around her neck, and she had a smile on her face. "My name's Sandstorm, and I'll be your guest host for this episode."

"WHERE'S BRAMBLEY-POO?!" The fanatic fan-she-cats yowled in misery as they saw that their idol was no where to be seen.

Sandstorm gave a fierce hiss at the she-cats, who quieted immediately, before turning back to the camera. "Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight have decided to take that vacation in Hawaii this week, and I offered to host the show. But before we can get to the oneshot, let's introduce our star, shall we?"

"What do we need him for?" Yowled a ShadowClan tom.

"Yeah!" A RiverClan tom agreed. "Who needs him when we've got such a beautiful host!"

"Exactly! Sandstorm should have her own show!" Another tom, hidden by a crowd, spoke up.

Firestar blinked, then turned to Graystripe. "Should I be angry that other toms are looking at _my_ mate, or should I be proud because... well... look at her!"

Graystripe did indeed look, then looked back at his friend. "Angry. Definitely angry." He grinned evilly. "We can find them all and beat them up later."

"Deal."

"Ahem!" Sandstorm glared at the two ThunderClan toms. "I'll deal with you two later." She smiled back at the camera, and a loud wolf-whistle was heard from the audience - the ThunderClan side of the stage, near the back. The camera panned around to see Dustpelt standing in the audience, glaring down at one of the younger warriors - Berrynose, to be exact.

"Don't _ever_do that again. Understood?" Dustpelt growled at the cream-colored tom, who nodded quickly.

"Hey!" Firestar turned to look at the warrior, his fur on end. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Dustpelt asked, giving Firestar a _look_. "She was my friend before you ever came along, _kittypet_."

"Boys," Sandstorm warned through narrowed eyes.

"Oooh, good shot!" Littlecloud praised himself as he focused in on Sandstorm's glare.

"Oh yeah," Barkface also took liberty to praise himself as he looked over Littlecloud's shoulder. "That eyeliner _so_brought out her eyes." He glared at Mothwing, who was sitting slightly behind them. "Told you I knew what I was doing!" The she-cat simply rolled her eyes before going back to watching the stage.

"HELLO!" Sandstorm yowled loudly, causing everyone, even the cats in StarClan, to pause and sit down. "That's better," she meowed peacefully. Then she turned to the side of the stage. "Hawkfrost, please come out now."

And out he came, looking more confident than ever before, strutting, even. His tabby pelt shone in the light, and he even had on one of those kittypet bow ties like Brambleclawwore. He walked right over to Sandstorm, smiling. "Hello, baby," he whispered, though it was ineffective, as they were both close to microphones. He went on with a corny french accent, not noticing her glare. "We shall speak of love, yes?"

"Oh that is it!" Firestar jumped up and started for the stage, an insane glint in his eyes, quickly followed by Graystripe. "He is dead!"

"Alright, dude, here's what you could do," Graystripe encouraged, before a yowl interrupted him.

"Graystripe! Get your tail back over here this minute!" It was Millie, standing up from where she was sitting and pointing to the seat beside her.

"But -"

"NOW!"

And so, his tail dragging the ground and his head lowered, Graystripe slunk to his mate's side, sitting down with a huff, and glaring at her out of the corner of his eyes. Too bad she noticed and bopped him over the head.

"Firestar," Sandstorm growled at him once more. "Firestar." He still ignored her. "FIRESTAR!" He finally paused and looked up at her. "If you aren't in your seat in _two seconds_, I will not take the time to deal with you when we get back to camp. I will kick your butt all the way into next moon right here in front of all the clans, on livetelevision. Is that clear?" She gave him one of her glares, and he slunk back to his seat. Then she turned her wrath on Hawkfrost. "And as for _you_, Casanova, you have a oneshot to do, do you not?"

"But -" Sandstorm narrowed her eyes at him, and he quickly stopped his sentence. "You're absolutely right."

"But before he does that," Sandstorm smiled back into the camera, all cool and collected now that she'd set everyone straight, then she turned to the audience. "Ferncloud? Could you come down here, please?"

"I guess so," the pretty gray queen nodded, and began walking down to the stage. As she went, cat calls (oh, the irony) and whistles followed her, and Firestar turned back to Dustpelt, who was glaring.

"Not so easy, is it?" The fiery tom asked. He got not reply except for a quiet hiss.

Once the gray queen made it to the stage, a riot started from the middle of the seats, where the apprentices had decided to sit. Ferncloud immediately sent them a motherly glare. "Foxpaw! Icepaw! Stop that at once!" Then she turned to glare at Birchfall where he sat beside Whitewing. "Birchfall! Sit up straight! Your tail will stick crooked if you sit like that!" She then focused on another cat. "And you can stop giggling like that, Spiderleg! You're no better!" She gaveSandstorm an apologetic look. "Sorry. I thought I'd raised my kits to be better than that," she turned to give each of them a glare.

"Of course, of course," Sandstorm nodded. "Now, let's get to that oneshot, shall we?"

"Wait, what?!" Dustpelt jumped up.

"'Bout time," Tallstar muttered. "I about went to sleep there."

"Sh!" Frostfur growled, and they settled in to watch the oneshot.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ferncloud sighed as she looked around at the other cats. This was one of the first gatherings she'd been to without Dustpelt, and she was feeling rather... uncomfortable, in a way. Being around all of these cats from the other clans without her mate beside her made her feel uneasy. She watched Firestar and Brambleclaw as they made their way to the Great Oak, where the other leaders and deputies were.

"Hello there."

Ferncloud jumped at the meow that came from behind her, and turned to see a tabby tom, his ice blue eyes even colder looking in the moon light. "You're Hawkfrost," she mewed in reply.

"Yes, and you're Ferncloud, am I right?" She nodded her head, and turned her gaze back to the oak tree, waiting for one of the leaders to call the meeting. "I don't see you at the gatherings much."

"I usually stay behind," she answered, looking at him out of the corners of her eyes.

"I wouldn't be caught staying behind, not for anything," he went on.

"Many warriors would say the same thing," Ferncloud sat, curling her tail around her paws, her eyes darting through the cats, searching for someone she could go talk to.

"Except for you."

She turned her gaze back to him. "Yes. I prefer staying behind and helping the queens in the nursery."

He nodded his head, and she went back to searching. Finally, her gaze landed on Sandstorm, talking to a WindClan queen, and she turned back to Hawkfrost. "I'm going to go visit with some friends," she mewed. "It was... nice talking to you, Hawkfrost."

"Nice talking to you, Ferncloud." He blinked at her, then turned away. She quickly went over to Sandstorm and sat close as the ginger she-cat continued talking to the other queen. Her fur prickled after a moment, and she turned and saw the tabby tom with cold eyes watching her. She stared back, until Blackstar's yowl signaled the start of the meeting.

She could still feel those eyes on her, watching her.

Funny. She hadn't thought about Dustpelt until now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a pause, until Sandstorm abruptly shot back into the camera, a hurried smile on her face.

"Well, that's all for this episode. Please join us again soon - by then, hopefully Brambleclaw will have returned, cause this job seriously bites." Then she took the diamond collar off and went off screen, while Littlecloud tried his best to follow her fast movements. "Don't even try to run, Firestar!" And she chased the ThunderClan leader right out of the building, much to the delight of Blackstar and Onestar, who were currently rolling in the floor.

While the hostess was off the stage, Dustpelt walked from his seat with a calm, calculating look on his face. As he passed Graystripe's seat, he reached down and dragged the gray warrior from his seat and down to the stage. "Alright, Graystripe," he meowed once they were on the stage, looking at Hawkfrost. "Which will we break first; his legs, or his tail?"

Graystripe thought a moment, then nodded. "Legs. That way he can't run away."

"MOMMY!" Hawkfrost made a mad dash for the nearest exit, but the two toms got there first.

Ferncloud shook her head, occasionally wincing as loud shrieks of pain came from the mound of fur, then turned back to the audience. "Icepaw! Foxpaw! What have I told you about playing with sharpies?!" The two apprentices in question looked away from their mother guiltily, each covered in various doodles and sayings. Ferncloud turned back to the stage. "Dustpelt! Look what your kits have done!"

"Kind of busy, dear," Dustpelt grunted as he jumped up from the rolling mound of fur, dropping the elbow on Hawkfrost, who gave a scream.

"Ugh!" Ferncloud rolled her eyes. "Honestly! Must I do everything myself?"

Suddenly, before even the credits could start rolling, the TV switched from the very entertaining scene of Dustpelt and Graystripe working together to beat up Hawkfrost to a quiet scene of two she-cats chatting idly in a nursery-like-den. Slowly, ever-so-slowly, the six toms turned their heads to stare at the she-cats, namely Willowpelt, who was holding the remote.

"What. Have. You. Done?!" Redtail wailed, before being smacked in the face by a root beer bottle.

"Yeah! We missed seeing what Firestar looked like when Sandstorm was done with him!" Lionheart caterwauled.

Spottedleaf, the thrower of the bottle, glared at them. "We had to watch your stupid, mouse-brained, worse-than-fox-dung show -"

"I resent that!" Tigerstar interrupted, narrowing his amber eyes at the former medicine cat, who ignored him.

"So now, you have to watch Desperate Den-Queens with us," she finished, glaring around at the toms, daring them to say any different.

Tallstar got up, hobbling pathetically. "Oh, my poor back! My old bones can't take that couch any longer! I'll just go -"

"SIT!" Frostfur yowled at the old tom as he tried to make a speedy getaway.

"And shut up!" Bluestar agreed, reaching over to where the former WindClan leader had hidden his bag of gummy worms and eagerly snacking away, ignoring the glare he sent her for stealing his 'delightful little gummy things'. And with that, the toms sulked as they were forced to watch the horror that was Desperate Den-Queens.


	7. Sandstorm

**Star: **Hola everybody!

**Faith: **We're back! With more evilness! MWAHAHAHA!

**Star: **And we have the mucho-exciting TORTURE FIRESTAR EPISODE!

**Faith:** Which she wrote, but I came up with the oneshot idea. GO US!

**Star:** Yes, go us. Cause we rule. Almost as much as the Alien Van.

**Both:** (snickers) Inside jokes rule.

* * *

It was a quiet afternoon in StarClan. Kits and apprentices playing, warriors hunting and conversing, elders reminiscing about the days when they were young in the clans. A completely normal afternoon.

Yeah, _right_.

"_What_, exactly, is he doing?" Redtail whispered to Lionheart from where they stood with Whitestorm, watching Tallstar practically rip the room apart, eyes wild and foaming at the mouth, his tail twitching crazily.

"I... I don't quite know..." The golden tom looked over at Whitestorm. "Any ideas?"

"Where is it?" Tallstar meowed before Whitestorm could answer, glaring at the three ThunderClan toms. "Well? Where is it? I want all of it back, every last bit, or else!"

"Want _what_ back, Tallstar?" Whitestorm asked calmly.

"Don't play games with me! I _know_ you took it!"

"What's the old coot going on about now?" Tigerstar padded in. "No, wait, I don't care." His amber eyes glittered dangerously. "I have a surprise for you guys."

"Really?" Redtail bounced forward, his eyes wide with excitement and sounding like a little kit. "I _love_ surprises! What is it? Tell me! Tell me tell me tell me!"

Tigerstar blinked at the former deputy, then looked at Lionheart and Whitestorm. "And Bluestar chose _him_ to be deputy over _us_?" When the two toms just shrugged in reply, his eyes resumed glittering evilly. "Today's episode of The Hawkfrost Dating Show is going to be... _special_, to say the least, and I want to be there in person. So..."

"So what?" Lionheart took the bait.

"Tell! TELL!" Redtail demanded.

Tigerstar shook his head, but answered. "I got us all tickets to see the show live."

"AWESOME!" Redtail exclaimed, doing a... well, it's rather hard to describe what he did, except for that it looked retarded and painful.

"Dude, not the happy dance," Oakheart remarked, walking in on the scene, looking distracted. "It's completely uncalled for."

"And where have you been?" Whitestorm asked while Redtail sulkily sat still.

"Uh..." Oakheart averted his eyes and mumbled almost incoherently.

Unfortunately, Lionheart heard. "_What_?!" He exclaimed. "You were with _Bluestar_?!"

"Not cool, dude," Redtail was still rather pouty. "Bro's before doe's."

There was a pause before Whitestorm glared at Lionheart. "You let him watch pay-per-view again, didn't you?"

"Not my fault!" Lionheart protested, pointing a paw at Oakheart. "_He_ was the one who left the remote laying around!"

"Look, can we _please_ focus? If we don't leave soon, we'll be late for the show!" Tigerstar yowled.

"Don't sulk, dude," Redtail remarked.

"What show?" Oakheart was completely confused, so Whitestorm took pity on him and explained everything.

"I WANT MY CANDY!"

Every cat looked at Tallstar after his outburst, but it was Tigerstar who answered. "You can get more candy at the concession stand when we get to the studio." This placated the former WindClan leader, and he sat down quietly.

"And just what is so special about this episode?" Oakheart asked.

Tigerstar's eyes went back to glittering, and he gave an evil-sounding purr. "It's the Torture Firestar Episode."

* * *

"And HHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO CLANS!"

"This is so cool!" Redtail exclaimed in a high pitched whisper from where he sat between Whitestorm and Lionheart. Tigerstar was beside Whitestorm, and Tallstar sat between Lionheart and Oakheart, eagerly munching on Reese's Pieces.

"Shut up!" Tigerstar hissed, his eyes, still glittering with the light that only torturing Firestar could give, not leaving the stage as he snacked on the popcorn he and Whitestorm had decided to share.

Hey, it saved money. Those tickets had cost a fortune, even when he owned the whole show! And Tigerstar's all about saving money.

"Welcome to tonight's special edition three-part Torture Firestar episode of The Hawkfrost Dating Show!" Back in his usual place, black tie and oh-so-shiny-smile included, Brambleclaw was center-stage. "We have some very special guests tonight, all the way from StarClan, give it up for Oakheart of RiverClan, Tallstar of WindClan, and Whitestorm, Redtail, and Lionheart of ThunderClan!" Various applause broke out from the audience, with some "We love you Tallstar!"s, some "You rock, Oakheart!"s, and "ThunderClan RULES!"s. Then Brambleclaw continued, somewhat less enthused than before, his smile faltering. "And from the Dark Forest, Tigerstar."

Tigerstar held his head high, but all he got was "BOO!"s, along with popcorn and stiff rabbits thrown at him, so he sank back down with a huff.

"Now, on with the show," Brambleclaw continued. "At this time I would like to thank Sandstorm for covering for me in the last episode -" He was interrupted by various wolf whistles and cat calls, and one tom in the back stood up and yelled "WE WANT SANDSTORM!". Clearing his throat, the dark tabby on stage continued, trying to ignore the way the toms were reacting to his mother-in-law. "I'd like to ask her to join me back on stage for a moment, if you would, please, Sandstorm?"

Sandstorm, wearing her diamond necklace and her fur all shiny and silky-smooth, got up from her seat beside Firestar (who didn't look so good, actually) and calmly walked up to the stage, ignoring all the various whistles and calls that came from the audience, turning and smiling at the camera.

"Now, let's have Hawkfrost come out, please," the dark tabby looked over backstage for his brother, who came out, looking at him strangely.

"_Please_? What kind of tom says _please_?" Hawkfrost asked, ducking behind his brother to avoid Sandstorm's glare. "Really, dude, you've been hanging out with Squirrelflight too much." He smirked. "Maybe the vacation wasn't such a good idea."

"Shut _up_," Brambleclaw growled, before looking to Sandstorm, smile back in place. "Would you kindly announce who the first oneshot will be about?"

"Okay," smiling into the camera, the ginger she-cat spoke. "The first oneshot will be about... _me_?!" Eyes wide and smile completely vanished, the she-cat turned to glare at Brambleclaw. "_What_?!"

Brambleclaw shrunk back from his mother-in-law, shoving Hawkfrost between them. "Now come on, Sandstorm, it was bound to happen sooner or later, you know that..."

"It _is_ the Torture Firestar episode," Hawkfrost put in, struggling to free himself from Brambleclaw's grasp while Sandstorm growled.

"Oh, fine," the ginger she-cat sat down with a huff. "Let's just get this over with."

Tigerstar snickered, and Whitestorm followed his line of sight and saw that in the front row, beside Graystripe, Firestar had shrunk almost all the way into the seat, his best friend looking down on him pityingly.

"It's okay, Firestar," Graystripe promised. "We can beat him up for real, this time."

Firestar just let out a pathetic whimper, making Tigerstar snicker again.

* * *

It was night, the dark sky cloudy over ThunderClan's lake territory as a lone cat snuck out of the camp, swift and silent from the dirt place tunnel. She shook her ginger fur, turned gray in the shadows, and padded quickly towards the lake. As she did, she growled quietly, her green eyes blazing.

Already at the lake, another cat lurked in the shadows, his icy eyes bright against the dark underbrush. His tabby fur blending, he was almost unnoticeable. He waited in silence, the only sound coming from the lake behind him, the waves gently lapping at the shore.

Finally, with a quiet rustle of ferns, the she-cat emerged from the forest onto the shore, her eyes scanning the landscape. Her ears twitched when the tabby emerged from his hiding place, and she quickly turned to glare at him. "Good, you came."

"You know, Sandstorm, for the mate of a leader you're unusually sneaky," the tabby remarked, sitting and curling his tail over his paws. "Going behind Firestar's back to speak to me is very... underhanded, you know. I wonder what he would think about it."

"He knows that I do what I have to do, and there's nothing he can do to stop me," she replied. "And what I have to do now is ensure that you leave ThunderClan territory and won't come back."

"You know I can't promise that. After all, I have a brother here."

"Like it makes any difference," Sandstorm growled, her fur bristling. "Hawkfrost, I can see that there's more of Tigerstar in you than in the rest of your siblings combined. Even Brambleclaw. And that's dangerous."

"I would never hurt you," Hawkfrost promised, his eyes shining and glimmering in a patch of moonlight. "Surely you know that, at least."

"I know a lot of things, and I know that, if it would grant you whatever it is you want, you would do whatever you were told." Sandstorm snarled.

"And who in their right mind would want to harm a cat like you?" Hawkfrost's voice was silky smooth, and chilled her to the bone.

"It's not me I'm worried about. It's Firestar." She sat down, her eyes never leaving the tabby tom. "I want you to leave him alone. You're not to hurt him, or my daughters."

"As good as done, Sandstorm. I give you my word. I will not harm your kin."

"To be honest, I don't trust your word. You're too much like your father for your own good."

"That's a tad harsh, isn't it? Judging a cat based on the crimes of his father, before really getting to know him?" Hawkfrost purred quietly, standing and coming closer to her, making her move back. "Isn't that what Brambleclaw's most afraid of? Being judged on the crimes of Tigerstar?"

"No cat should be judged unaccordingly. Brambleclaw has proven himself ten times over." Sandstorm meowed quickly. "But cats who seem a threat, especially if it's common amongst their family, should be treated with extreme caution."

"And you're sure about that?" Hawkfrost asked. "You think I'm a threat?"

"My daughters think you're a threat, and they inherited some spot on instincts," she replied, her tone stern. "And seeing as how they got their instincts from me, I believe them."

"And what does the almighty Firestar think of me?"

Sandstorm gave a sigh, but her voice never lost it's hardness. "Firestar has worse things to worry about then the kit of his old enemy tormenting the lake. And you'll do well to remember that. You're not the worst thing the clans have ever seen."

"Why should I think that? Why should the clans believe I'm evil?" Hawkfrost tried to sound hurt. "Why should _you_ think I'm evil, Sandstorm? When have I ever shown you anything but respect?"

Sandstorm's eyes blazed, but she held her tongue for a moment. "Hawkfrost, it's more than respect." She finally meowed. "It's..."

"It's what?" Hawkfrost pressured. "Is it trust? Is it loyalty?" His eyes narrowed. "Is it love?"

Sandstorm sharply glared at him, eyes wide. "Perhaps it's all of those things. But I know this for certain – I hold none of that for you."

"And what can I do to change that, Sandstorm?"

She paused. "Keep your word. Don't harm my mate, or my kits. Then, maybe, I might see you in a better light."

He nodded his head, a purr rumbling in his chest. "Then I shall keep my word. I will not harm your mate, or your kits."

"See that you don't," she warned, her gaze turning threatening. "Or else you'll have me to reckon with." And with that, she turned her back on him, walking back into the woods to the camp.

"I won't do anything to hurt you, Sandstorm. You can trust me on that." Hawkfrost whispered to the wind as he stood and headed back towards RiverClan, his eyes glittering in the darkness.

* * *

"Alright, everyone, we're going to take a break now, so please, take this intermission as a chance to stretch your legs and go get some refreshments. We'll be back shortly." Brambleclaw smiled into the camera as the camera crew switched off, allowing the channel to go to commercials. He turned to Sandstorm. "I am _so_ sorry about that, Sandstorm. Really."

Sandstorm nodded to him, a pitying look in her eyes. "It wasn't so bad, but I hope you know what you're getting yourself into, Brambleclaw." She stalked off the stage back to her seat, flicking Hawkfrost over the face with her tail, growling as she passed him. As she went, various calls came up from the audience.

"I want a oneshot!"

"Come on, Sandstorm, I'm _so_ much better than that stupid tabby!"

"Why does _Hawkfrost_ get all the luck?"

"Yeah, he's _evil_!"

The tabby looked at his older brother, smirking. "She wants me." Brambleclaw just rolled his eyes and went off stage to brush his teeth. Gotta keep that smile oh-so-shiny, after all. Hawkfrost followed behind in that typical annoying little brother way. "Really, that oneshot was AWESOME. I want to do more of those!"

"Man, this is even better than watching it on TV!" Lionheart exclaimed. "We should do this every episode!"

"Nah, these seats hurt my back," Whitestorm remarked, looking at Tigerstar as he tried to get more comfortable. "You own _everything_. Get better seats."

"You kiddin'? These seats RULE!" Redtail was bouncing up and down in his seat.

"Excuse me," Tallstar was trying to get past them. "I gotta go to the little kitten's room."

"Too much info, Tallstar. _No one _wants to know that." Lionheart cringed as the old tom went by.

"Exactly," Whitestorm leaned over in his seat to look at Oakheart, but the other tom was occupied by a little gadget in his paws. "You brought your _cell phone_ here, Oakheart?"

"I ought to have you kicked out of the studio," Tigerstar muttered.

"Who're you texting?" Before he could protest, Lionheart snatched the cell phone away from Oakheart and read what was on the screen. How he did that, no one knows. Of course, no one knows how Oakheart got the cell phone in the first place, or how Tigerstar came to own a studio, but that's beside the point. "He's texting Bluestar!"

"Oh, now you're _really_ gonna get kicked out," Tigerstar growled, looking over Whitestorm at the former RiverClan deputy. "Contacting _her_, in _my_ place, watching _my_ show? I don't think so."

"Oh no he didn't!" Redtail exclaimed, causing every cat in hearing distance to look at him strangely.

"Mama, that cat scares me," little Blossomkit scooted closer to her mother, while Millie comfortingly placed her tail around her, glaring over at the former ThunderClan deputy, who was still bouncing in his seat.

"Oh great StarClan," Whitestorm muttered under his breath.

"Wouldn't that be, oh great _us_?" Lionheart wondered, his head tilted to show his confusion.


	8. Leafpool

**Faith: **Hey everybody! We're back! (drags Star out into the open) Stop hiding.

**Star:** (shifty eyes) Sorry for the wait, guys. Stupid case of writer's block didn't help...

**Faith: **And your stalling didn't help either (Grins innocently)

**Star: **(rolls eyes) Yeah, yeah... You know I don't like Leafpool all that much... Well, read and review.

**Faith:** And due to the many reviews demanding some Squirrelflight-ness, her oneshot will come up next!

**Star:** (Shakes head, snickering) That won't be hard to write. (Looks at Faith) I just love torturing cats, don't you?

**Faith:** (Nods eagerly) Oh yes.

**Star:** Oh! We almost forgot - we've gotten some reviews about some pairings, and we must say this: Any pairings we write will be straight.

**Faith:** Yeah, we don't do slash. So please, don't request any slash pairings. And besides, this is titled The HAWKFROST Dating Show. Any pairing will be Hawkfrost/She-cat.

* * *

"AAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD we're back!" Brambleclaw smiled that famous oh-so-shiny smile at the camera, extra bright and shiny (not to mention minty fresh), making the she-cats in the front row swoon. Hawkfrost, who came close behind his older brother, glared at him as he spoke. "Welcome back to The Hawkfrost Dating Show's special edition three-part Torture Firestar episode. Let's get part-two rolling with -"

"BRAMBLEY-POO! YOU'RE BACK!"

"And so are you," Brambleclaw whimpered as his fan club of crazed, fanatic she-cats gathered before the stage. He looked to Hawkfrost. "It was too good to be true."

"That it was, big brother," Hawkfrost tried his hardest not to snicker as he sat down.

"What'd I miss?" Whitestorm asked as he slid past Tigerstar and back into his seat, a fresh bag of popcorn, two cokes, a sprite, a root beer, a mountain dew, a dr. pepper, a bottle of water, two packs of M&M's, a bag of jolly ranchers, a pack of gummy bears, three bags of doritos, a bag of barbecue chips, a box of fruit loops, and a little box of kit-scout cookies for himself, all piled up high in his paws.

Really, that concession stand had _everything_.

"Just that annoying bunch of she-cats that always show up and torture Brambleclaw," Lionheart remarked, reaching for his dr. pepper, doritos, and his pack of M&M's.

"Yeah," Tigerstar nodded, taking the root beer, the bottle of water, the barbecue chips, and the other bag of M&M's. "And that intermission was so _long_. I'm doing away with them at the next meeting."

"Tallstar still isn't back yet?" Whitestorm asked, seeing that the black-and-white WindClan tom was missing.

"Still in the 'little kitten's room'," Lionheart snickered.

"Shush!" Redtail screeched, eyes riveted to the stage as he reached unseeingly for his box of fruit loops, his mountain dew, and the bag of jolly ranchers.

Whitestorm just rolled his eyes, tossing the sprite and a coke down to Oakheart, but since he wasn't looking they hit him on the head, causing him to glare at the white ThunderClan warrior, who just shrugged and threw the two remaining bags of doritos and the gummy bears at him as well. Then the white warrior looked over at the dark tabby beside him. "Tigerstar, why'd you get the bottle of water too?"

"You'll see," Tigerstar replied, giving an evil chuckle and a sidelong glance at Oakheart.

"Before I go _completely_ insane, let's get to the oneshot, shall we?" Brambleclaw cleared his throat and attempted to ignore the ridiculous she-cats in front of the stage. "Everyone welcome up ThunderClan's own medicine cat, Leafpool!"

There was a mixed reaction as the pretty tabby walked up on the stage, her head held high. Many cheered (the loudest being Squirrelflight and the rest of the medicine cats), though there were some who were shocked into silence.

Specifically, a dark-colored tom in the WindClan section. And _no one _knew exactly _why_ he began sulking in his seat, but that's beside the point.

"Brambleclaw, I hate to rush, but I have some duties that need attending," Leafpool meowed sweetly. "So, could we please go ahead and do the oneshot?"

"No need to hurry," Jayfeather hissed, his unseeing eyes staring at Leafpool. "I can take care of everything." His siblings, who were sitting on either side of him, quickly nodded and voiced their support.

"Oh yeah! Jayfeather can do anything!"

"He's an excellent medicine cat!"

Breezepelt, who was sitting in the WindClan section with Heathertail, rolled his eyes. "Suck ups!"

Brambleclaw sighed. "Let's just get to the oneshot like Leafpool asked." Then his eyes narrowed in confusion as he looked down at his leader. "Firestar? What're you doing?"

"Yeah," Hawkfrost added. "Where'd your head go?"

Tigerstar looked down at the ThunderClan leader, and just about fell out of his chair laughing, leading the other four beside him to look down as well. The ginger tom had turned almost completely over, his head buried in his seat, tail in the air. Graystripe and Sandstorm were having a hard time trying not to laugh, Dustpelt wasn't even bothering trying to stop his own, while Cloudtail was rolling in the floor. Blackstar was rolling as well, Leopardstar was leaning on Mistyfoot, the both of them laughing, and Onestar had passed out from not being able to breath.

Squirrelflight slapped a paw to her head. "Look, Dad, I understand that you're being mortally humiliated in front of the rival clan leaders, your clan, their clans, StarClan, not to mention the two cats that tried to kill you, but you're _embarrassing_ me!" She looked up, her head tilted to the side. "You know, I said 'clans' a lot in that sentence. Weird."

Brambleclaw just sighed, bowing his head, his voice growing unusually small. "Just... play the oneshot. Please."

* * *

Hawkfrost gave a sigh as he looked around the cave that held the Tribe of Rushing Water. Narrowing his blue eyes, he sat down, turning his back contemptuously on the interior of the cave and watching the waterfall crash into the pool, curling his tail around his paws, unflinching at the spray that came from the fall.

He scowled at the falling water. He was a RiverClan cat, _not_ a cave cat. How could Leopardstar expect them to stay here?

_Of course_, he relented with another sigh, _I suppose we should be grateful_. His scowl deepened at the thought. Why should they be_ grateful_ to these strangers? Yes, they had sheltered and fed the Clan cats, but _why_ should the Clans be in the Tribe's debt? It was ridiculous! They would have made it over the mountains without them. They could have taken care of themselves – StarClan knew just how much prey was up here in the mountain!

But then again, he had never believed in the starry ancestors that held so much power over the clans. That was for the medicine cats, not strong warriors like himself. But it was so easy to fool his clan mates, it was almost funny.

He blinked his eyes as he saw one of the Tribe cats padding towards him and deliberately stood, leaving the cave with a flick of his tail, going to sit on an over-hanging rock. He glared down at the pool, crouching down and curling his tail back over his paws and half-way hiding his face – only his cold blue eyes appeared over the brown tail.

Why should he 'make friends' with cats that didn't share the same code, nor the same skills as him? Yes, they lived close to water. But could they swim as only a RiverClan cat could? He was sure they could not.

A sudden sound made his ears flick, and his gaze shifted to the steep climb up the side of the wall where he saw three cats coming down to the cave. He recognized them by scent at first; one Tribe tom, two ThunderClan she-cats. Then he placed their names, Crag, Sorreltail...

Leafpaw.

His fur prickled as he glared at the Tribe cat, though the mud-streaked gray tom hardly noticed – he only had eyes for the pretty tabby following, glancing over his shoulder at her, calling out encouragement. Sorreltail, following Leafpaw, gave a flick of her tail, but stayed silent.

Leafpaw, however, didn't even seem to notice Crag, even though he obviously noticed her.

For some reason, this made him feel somewhat proud of the apprentice. Or, maybe, it made him feel smug. He averted his eyes, wondering what had brought that thought on. He had never felt anything more than... maybe there wasn't a right word. He'd never felt any sort of kinship or respect for Leafpaw – she was ThunderClan's medicine cat, and he had no connection to her. If it had been a few moons before, he wouldn't have spared her a second glance.

And yet, now that the journey had begun, he had begun to feel different. But he realized that his feelings had truly changed when he had saved her from that dog, back in the twoleg field where they had hunted before. She, however, never even noticed his long glances, the way he always seemed to gravitate towards her, without even realizing it.

The way he felt so angry and... StarClan curse it, jealous when he saw Crag doing the same thing, and being so unafraid to do so. But Leafpaw never noticed the Tribe cat either.

But then again, why should she? A medicine cat apprentice like Leafpaw would never even dream of breaking the warrior code, let alone for him. She would never compromise her faith in her precious StarClan for the love any cat could give her.

His lip curled at the thought of that word. Love. It wasn't something he was used to, not really. Not since he was a young kit, playing with Mothwing and Tadpole so innocently, feeling the loving gaze of his mother, watching them.

What he wouldn't give to have Leafpaw look at him that way, with love in her eyes. Not the same love that Sasha had for him, of course, but _real _love.

The love that only she could give him.

What he wouldn't give to be able to look at her the way he always wished he could, betraying his very soul with his eyes, letting her see the way he truly felt for her, with an emotion almost unknown to him, that he could barely stand, that he could barely deal with.

The love that only he could give her.

But with another helpless sigh, he stared down into the water, churning from the falls. He wished, and wished, but wishing never fed or protected the clan, now did it?

He felt the fur on his neck bristle unconsciously, and he turned his head and saw a light tabby pelt and a pair of amber eyes flash behind the waterfall, then disappearing into the cave.

* * *

Silence greeted the end of the oneshot, but was broken by a caterwaul from the WindClan section of the audience.

"Crowfeather! Get back here!" Nightcloud was yowling as she watcher her 'mate' stomp down the steps and pad over to the ThunderClan section, sitting behind Graystripe and Firestar, a sulky scowl on his face.

"Yes?" Graystripe asked, looking back at the dark gray warrior. "Can we help you?"

"No, _I _want to help _you_ throw _him_ off a cliff," Crowfeather growled, glaring at Hawkfrost up on the stage.

Firestar's green eyes lit up as he looked at Graystripe. "Can we do that?"

Graystripe gave him a look. "You're the leader. We can do whatever you say we can."

Firestar got a maniacal gleam in his eyes as he realized that Graystripe was right, but Brambleclaw quickly took control of the situation again, as Hawkfrost tried to discreetly hide from the three toms. "Uh, that's all for now," he mewed quickly. "Thank you, Leafpool, and I'm sorry about everything."

The pretty tabby just shrugged her shoulders, giving Hawkfrost one last look, then went back and sat down behind Jayfeather with Mothwing, the two she-cats chatting eagerly about some kind of epidemic or herb or whatever it is that medicine cats talk about while they have time off, trying not to look at that certain dark-colored tom that had joined forces with her father.

"Now it's time for another intermission, please take this time -"

"Shut up and get to the next one!" A strange cat shouted in the far back. The cat was silhouetted, but the voice was obviously a she-cat's.

"Yeah! Who needs a stinkin' intermission? The oneshot sucked anyway!" A second cat, sitting next to the first, jumped up as well, also silhouetted but obviously a she-cat.

The first glared at the second. "It did not suck. You're just too pessimistic!" The second just stuck her tongue out at her companion.

Brambleclaw glared at the cats in confusion, as did the rest of the audience. "Hey! You're not from the clans!"

"So what if we ain't?" The first cat continued. "You can't throw us out!"

Redtail jumped up. "They're right! NO MORE INTERMISSIONS!"

Lionheart yanked his tail and sat him back down. "Dude, don't make me get a seatbelt or a rope or_ something_ to hold you down!" Redtail sat down mutinously.

Brambleclaw growled, narrowing his eyes at the two cats. "Fine. We're going to the next oneshot." He scowled down at his poorly hidden cue-cards. "Now, will Squirr-" He broke off, eyes going wide as moons, jaw dropping to the floor.

"Huh?" Hawkfrost poked his head out from his hiding place where he had gone to when he realized that it was the end of the oneshot and that Firestar had realized that he could do whatever he wanted. He padded over to his brother, prying the cards out of his clenched claws, ripping the paper, reading it out loud poorly. "Now-uh, wi-ill, will Squirrelflight -" His whole face lit up as he said the ginger she-cats name, grinning smugly at Brambleclaw. "Well, looks like this is a Torture Brambleclaw episode too! How do you figure that!"

"DIE!!!!!" Brambleclaw, snapped from his shocked stupor, leaped at his brother, claws unsheathed and teeth bared in a fearsome snarl, and the two disappeared into a hissing, spitting, yowling flurry of fur and dust.

"Hey! You can't start without us!" Graystripe yowled, and he, Crowfeather, and Firestar joined the brawl, though Sandstorm yelled and screeched at them as they did, and Millie was forced to cover the kits' eyes, though Bumblekit protested, wanting to see his father beat up the other cat.

"I'm back! What'd I miss?" Tallstar announced, sliding past Tigerstar, Whitestorm, and Lionheart to his seat. Oakheart, still texting his 'baby', tossed the gummy bears at him. Tallstar looked at them, confused. "What are these?"

"Gummy bears," Whitestorm replied. "They didn't have any gummy worms, so I got you those. The concession stand guy said they were the same thing."

Tallstar twitched. "BLASPHEMY!" He yowled, throwing the bag of bears down at the stage.

Lionheart looked over at an empty seat, then over at Whitestorm. "Where'd Redtail go?"

"Now this is entertainment!" The first silhouetted she-cat remarked, munching on popcorn.

"Oh yeah," the second agreed, taking a pawful as well.

"I agree," Redtail reached over and took some popcorn for himself as the three watched the brawl.


	9. Squirrelflight

**Star: **(shifty eyes, walks in quietly)

**Faith:** (rolls eyes) Oh quit. They don't hate you.

**Star:** Yes they do. (Looks out at audience) I'm sorry I took so long - been busy, and... very distracted...

**Faith:** Yes, but I'm working on the next one right now, so it shouldn't be a long wait this time.

**Star: **So read, and enjoy. And please review, if you don't mind.

* * *

"And welcome back," on the stage was a pretty tortoiseshell she-cat, ShadowClan's own Tawnypelt, looking into the cameras with a smile that wasn't quite sincere. "I'm Tawnypelt, but I'm sure everyone knew that. Seems like my_ little_ brothers can't keep their claws sheathed, so I'm here guest hosting this episode." Now she grinned impishly at the audience, waving her tail. "Audience, please make Brambleclaw feel welcomed. After all, he's been up here the whole time – it's time for him to enjoy the show from a viewers perspective."

Brambleclaw, as his sister had oh-so-smugly pointed out, was sitting in the ThunderClan section, sulkily glaring at the stage where his younger brother, Hawkfrost, had come out and hidden behind Tawnypelt. He sat deeper into his seat, his amber eyes blazing. "I wish I was an only kit."

Stormfur, who was sitting beside Brambleclaw, patted his shoulder sympathetically. "So do I."

Brambleclaw looked over at him, confused. "But you _are_ an only kit."

Stormfur shook his head sadly, gesturing to where Bumblekit, Blossomkit, and Briarkit were sitting beside him, having escaped their mother. "Not anymore." Briarkit was the only well-behaved one of the bunch, whereas her sister was chattering non-stop, and Bumblekit was poking Stormfur repeatedly, laughing as he did so. "At least your siblings are _grown up_." Then he glared down at his little half-brother. "_Stop that_."

"Oh, I'm _so_ scared of you!" Bumblekit cackled, poking Stormfur again to emphasize his words.

"Moving right along," Tawnypelt turned around and gave a glare to Hawkfrost, who gave her a nervous smile and waved his paw. She shoved him roughly away. "_As if_ I'd protect you, mouse-brain." She looked off stage, at the make-up cat, Barkface. "Is Squirrelflight ready _yet_?"

The brown tom shrugged. "She takes pride in her appearance." He looked across the audience at Yellowfang, who had decided to come to the show and was sitting in the StarClan section. "Unlike _some_ cats."

The gray she-cat rolled her eyes and hissed at him. "Come near me with those bows and paints and I promise you that there won't be anything left for StarClan to accept when I get through with you."

Cinderpelt, sitting beside her, patted Yellowfang's shoulder. "Don't worry. He won't risk the wrath of StarClan just to make you look clean." This set the old gray she-cat on a mumbled tangent.

Tigerstar couldn't take it anymore, jumping up from his seat, glaring at his eldest daughter on the stage. "Get on with the show! Torture that stupid orange furball!"

"I'm workin' on it," Tawnypelt rolled her eyes and flicked her tail, turning towards the cameras, smiling again. "Now, as if anyone could have forgotten, this is the Torture Firestar Episode, part three -"

"We know that already!" One of the unnamed she-cats in the back cried.

"Actually, a better title for this one would be the Torture Brambleclaw Episode," the other snickered.

"Hey, shut up!" Brambleclaw whipped around to glare at the two. "Nobody asked you -"

"Now now, brother dear," Tawnypelt interrupted, as much as she hated to. "Fighting is what got you in the audience in the first place. It would be awful if you had to be escorted from the building before Squirrelflight even came out on the stage."

Tigerstar sat back in his seat, mumbling under his breath. Whitestorm looked over at him. "You okay?"

"No, I most certainly am NOT okay!" Tigerstar snarled, standing up. "I'm going down there myself!"

"Uh... Dude, that might not be such a good idea," Lionheart remarked, his eyes wide.

Tigerstar rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, I own the place. They can't do anything to me." He glared down at the stage. "But I can make a few rearrangements in the hosting department..."

A loud snore erupted, and the three cats looked down the row at where Tallstar sat, leaned back in his chair, sleeping, his jaws wide open and drool dribbling down his neck, making Tigerstar, Lionheart, and Whitestorm cringe. Oakheart stared at him for a moment, then went back to texting his 'baby'.

"See? It's even put Tallstar to sleep!" Tigerstar yowled. "I will not stand for this from my own kin!" He turned to go down the stairs, then looked back at Oakheart. "You know, I was gonna save this for the end, but now's just as good a time as any," and with that, the tabby tom grabbed the unopened water bottle, took the top off, and threw it at Oakheart.

The resulting caterwaul was heard all the way back to Sun-Drown place.

"TIGERSTAR! YOU MOUSE-BRAIN! THAT WAS MY BRAND NEW CELL PHONE!" Oakheart was soaked, looking infinitely more scrawny and little with his fur clinging to him, his eyes blazing and his cell phone reduced to sparks and a black screen. "BLUESTAR'S GONNA KILL ME!"

"You're already dead!" Tigerstar yelled back. "There's nothing that old bossy-whiskers can do to you now!"

If looks could kill, and both Tigerstar and Oakheart weren't already dead, then Oakheart's glare would have been lethal. But Tigerstar merely stuck his tongue out at the RiverClan tom, then pranced down the stairs, a spring in his step at having put an end to the conversing between that she-cat and his buddy. At least some cat was being tortured around here.

Whitestorm made a mental note to forbid any cellphones next time, getting up and dragging Tigerstar back to his seat. "Stay. I'm sure it'll get on shortly. Be patient." Tigerstar just shrugged, sitting back down, looking smug as he not-so-discreetly grinned in Oakheart's direction.

Lionheart just pointed and laughed at the wet Oakheart and his dead cellphone. Oakheart snarled and threw an empty Sprite bottle at the other tom's head.

Hawkfrost issued a very loud sigh, flinging himself down on the stage, looking up and his sister with a yawn. "Gah, is she ready yet? I have a life, too!"

"You're dead!" Graystripe rolled his eyes. He looked over at Firestar, who was looking rather... normal? "What's wrong with you? Bad popcorn?"

"No," Firestar looked over at his friend. "I'm just glad I can take a breather – all this beating Hawkfrost up is making me tired." Sandstorm scoffed, rolling her eyes, but remained silent. "Besides, Squirrelflight can take care of herself."

"She's just trying to stall so she doesn't have to come out here and have to sit beside you!" Brambleclaw hissed sulkily from his seat. "Cause she doesn't like you."

Hawkfrost rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, can't we be mature about this?" His icy blue eyes got a teasing gleam in them, and Tawnypelt gave a sigh. Oh great StarClan, here they got again. "Of course, then again, maybe she's making herself extra pretty. Just for me."

"Oh please. She just about dumped me 'cause of you."

"Well, did you ever stop and think that maybe that was because she liked me more than you? I mean, come on," Hawkfrost tossed his head haughtily. "Look at me. I'm gorgeous. And look at you," he gave Brambleclaw a look. "You look just like pops."

"Hey!" Tigerstar gave a yowl. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Pops?" Redtail snickered, looking at the two she-cats, one of which bowed.

"What was that?" Brambleclaw was obviously livid. He stood up, shrugging Stormfur off as his friend tried to get him to sit back down.

Hawkfrost shrugged. "You heard me. I mean, come on, you didn't get your mom's good looks, that's for sure."

"Oh, so now you gonna talk about my mama?" Brambleclaw looked down at Stormfur.

Tawnypelt rolled her eyes. "Boys, chill out, before I make sure neither of you can sit down for a week."

"No, Tawnypelt, I wanna hear what he has to say," Brambleclaw strode up to the stage, leaping up agilely. "Especially since it's about our mother."

"Oh please, you always were a mama's boy, weren't you, Brambley?" Hawkfrost overstepped the boundary on that one.

"DIE!!!!!" Brambleclaw leaped onto his younger brother, claws completely unsheathed and teeth bared. The two toms went at it, disappearing into a cloud of flying fur, hisses and screeches, and loud exclamations of pain that made mother's put paws over their kit's ears.

"Okay, five to one on Brambleclaw," Cloudtail, along with his assistant Spiderleg, were going around collecting bets from the clan cats. A green visor was on the white tom's head, pushing his thick fur away from his eyes, as he went around collecting either fresh-kill or other prized possessions. "Ew, no one's going to wanna win a three-week-dead toad, Rowanclaw. No, Spiderleg, you're going too cheap. Gotta keep the bets going up, not down."

"Cloudtail! Get back here!" Brightheart exclaimed, looking on at what her mate was doing.

He turned towards her. "Look, woman -"

Just then, from stage left, a voice rang out. "I'm ready now!" And then Squirrelflight came out on stage, a shocked silence greeting her.

Then thunderous applause, louder than any heard before in the history of applauses. Many toms simply passed out, fainting dead away at the sight of her, while she-cats from all clans were completely green with envy. Well, almost all the she-cats...

"BOO!" One of the two she-cats yowled, standing up in her seat.

"Go back where you came from! We don't want you!" The other joined in.

"Yeah -" Redtail paused, looking over at his new companions. "Wait, why don't we want her? She's gorgeous."

Both looked over at him, shaking their heads slowly. "That's just weird. Really, really weird." Then they turned back to the stage.

Her ginger fur was silky smooth and shined in the spotlight, making it seem even brighter than her fathers. Her green eyes were perfectly lined with the perfect amount of makeup, and a beautiful pearl necklace was around her neck. She pranced out on stage, a bright smile on her face. She looked out at the ThunderClan section, eyes searching. She found Stormfur, who had gone into shock. "Stormfur! Ugh, come on, stupid. Stormfur!" He finally roused at the sound of her voice. Or, rather, the threat that was hidden in her words. "Where's Brambleclaw?"

Stormfur pointed a claw in the direction of the flurry, and she turned towards it, determination on her face. "Brambleclaw?" She tried talking nicely.

"Your mother was a crowfood eater!"

"Now who's talking about mothers, huh?"

"You started it!"

"Brambleclaw." Her voice got a little louder that time.

"You killed me! What kind of brother kills his own little brother?"

"Well, the little brother was an annoying -"

"Brambleclaw." Now her voice held a warning.

"- lying -"

"Brambleclaw!" She was angry now.

"- cheating, back-stabbing, murdering son of a -"

"BRAMBLECLAW!" Squirrelflight was in full form now, her eyes blazing and her claws coming unsheathed, her ginger fur, once soft and silky, now bristling up with fury. "That is it!" She reached up, ripping the pearls from her neck and throwing them away. "I'll show you to ignore me when I dress up specifically for you and your stupid show!" And with a caterwaul, the ginger she-cat leaped into the fray, hissing and spitting. A disheartened sigh came from the males in the audience.

Tawnypelt looked at the cameras, impatience on her face. "Just get to the oneshot, will ya?" Then she turned back to the brawl. "GET 'EM, SQUIRRELFLIGHT!"

* * *

The plan was going accordingly, Hawkfrost thought to himself, a smug look in his eyes. In a matter of days, he would travel to ThunderClan, meet up with his intended decoy who would lure Firestar down to the fox trap, then Brambleclaw would kill the ginger leader, becoming Bramblestar. And then he would return the favor, and help Hawkfrost take over RiverClan, then he would conquer ShadowClan and the two would become TigerClan, and Brambleclaw would conquer WindClan and the two would combine to form LionClan.

But there was one key element he had forgotten. That Tigerstar had forgotten.

Squirrelflight.

She had Brambleclaw fairly wrapped around her paw – oh sure, his older brother would deny it, but it was true. The tabby had been sulky and depressed since they had fought last. Hawkfrost could barely conceal the pleasure that it was he that had caused them to fight.

The fact that Squirrelflight didn't trust him proved she had a good head on her shoulders. The fact that she was even willing to make Brambleclaw guilty by association was even better. That was the kind of mistrustful thinking Hawkfrost liked. You couldn't trust anyone, or anything, but yourself. He had learned that. It was time for Brambleclaw and the rest of the clans to learn it as well.

StarClan knows ThunderClan has it's fair share of traitors, he mused to himself. He felt satisfaction that such a high-and-mighty clan could have it's dark side, but he wasn't at all surprised. ThunderClan weren't so perfect and regal now, where they? They were nothing but mixed-blooded kitty pets, led by a kittypet himself.

Squirrelflight herself was his daughter. That alone should have sealed her doom. When Tigerstar was leader of TigerClan, he had killed the mixed-bloods in RiverClan. Mixed-bloods were worthless.

And yet... He couldn't help seeing what Brambleclaw saw in her. And he hated himself for it. Her fiery fur, her blazing green eyes, the single white forepaw...

His claws tore at the ground beneath him. He was Hawkfrost – no, soon enough he would be Hawkstar. He wouldn't need anyone then.

No, he didn't need anyone. No one but himself.

It didn't stop him from wishing, though.

* * *

The cameras went back to the stage, where the fight had escalated from being Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, and Hawkfrost, to including Tawnypelt (Hawkfrost had been thrown and had landed on her tail, provoking instant retribution to both of her brothers), Tigerstar (who had grown tired of watching his kits ruin his chance to torture Firestar), Oakheart (who was still furious at Tigerstar for ruining his cellphone), and Graystripe (who just really wanted to fight).

And so, there were three new cats on the stage. Redtail was one of them, along with the two she-cats he had been sitting with – one had glossy black fur with a red underbelly and paws, while the other was a dark brown tabby with white paws, ear-and-tail tips, and both had blue eyes that glimmered with mischief.

"I'm Darkeheart," the black-and-red she-cat smiled at the camera.

"I'm Willowfire," the brown tabby added with a smirk.

"And I'm Redtail!" The tom waved at the camera, and exuberant smile on his face. "Hey mom!"

Willowfire gave him a nudge, silencing him. "That's all the time we have for today!"

Darkeheart nodded. "Stay tuned for the next episode, which will be the conclusion of the Torture Firestar Episode!"

Willowfire looked at Darkeheart, a pleading expression on her face. "Can we beat up Hawkfrost? Please? Everyone else has gotten to!"

Darkeheart grinned. "YEAH!" And with that, the two she-cats bounded into the fray, leaving Redtail on his own.

"Uh..." The tortoiseshell tom looked at the camera, speechless for a moment. "Hey! Wanna see me do my happy dance?"

Whitestorm and Lionheart immediately led the resounding "NO!" that the audience shouted down at the stage. Tallstar just slept on.


	10. Cinderpelt

**Disclaimer (just since we haven't done one in a while): We don't own Warriors, any related characters or concepts, cream soda, or bunny ears.  
**

**[MAJOR] SPOILER WARNING: If you haven't read Sunset, then this will have MAJOR (as stated before) spoilers. So, if you do read this and haven't read Sunset, do so at your own risk!  
**

* * *

**Star: **See? That didn't take long this time.

**Faith: **That's because I wrote it.

**Star: **(looks around sheepishly) Yeeeaaaahhh....(jumps up) Well, dear readers, enjoy! Have a nice day! Drink some caffiene! SPEND MONEY! (throws monopoly money in the air)

**Faith: **(sighs) She's just happy because the way we assembled things, I'll be doing the bulk of the writing instead of her.

**Star: **(sighs contentedly) Yes. This is great. I'm gonna go count my collection of Fiction Characters and make sure none of them ran away while I wasn't looking - so read and stop bugging Faith! (skips off)

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to part four of-"

"Oh, StarClan _above_, there's four parts?!"

Brambleclaw, who's announcement hadn't been enthusiastic before, glared at Brindleface. "Yes. Yes there is. Milking it, aren't they?" Brindleface then resorted to scoffing about how greedy cats were these days. Brambleclaw just shrugged and went on, reading his lines with no emotion whatsoever. "Today, the fourth and final part of the Torture Firestar Episode-"

"Okay, that's_ it_! He didn't say 'torture' with any enthusiasm! THAT IS DISGRACE!" Willowfire, who had been sitting in the front row with Darkeheart, Jayfeather, Cloudtail, Brightheart, Dustpelt, and Stormfur, leaped onto the stage with a caterwaul and tackled Brambleclaw clear out of sight, while the rest of the row chanted. "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Behind Stormfur, Bumblekit, Briarkit, Blossomkit, and Graystripe had taken up the call, and it got rather loud from there.

Darkeheart then took the chance to jump on stage, peeking forward to see if she could spot her friend and Brambleclaw. She winced. "Oh, wow. I didn't know we could _do_ that."

Stormfur padded up beside her. "I didn't either."

Darkeheart turned to glare at him. "What are you doing up here?" She pushed him off the stage before looking at Brightheart. "Come on, you never get any recognition - care to torture cats with me tonight?"

Brightheart cackled evilly and jumped up. "Oh, Haaawwwwkkkfffrrrrooooosssttt!"

"NO! I WON'T DO IT! NOT ANYMORE!"

"DON'T YOU MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!" Darkeheart threatened. "I'll stretch the laws the gravity!"

Whitestorm leaned over to Lionheart. "I didn't know we knew about the laws of gravity."

"Neither did I."

"SHUSH!" Redtail screeched. He still had a hangover from going out with 'certain cats' (namely Darkeheart, Willowfire, Lionheart, Tigerstar, Blackstar, Ravenpaw, and Stormfur) after the third part of the episode, so he was a bit _sensitive_.

Hawkfrost slunk onto the stage, Darkeheart and Brightheart grinning beside him, and sat with a sigh. "What are you going to do to me today?"

"Good point - what _are_ we going to do to him?" Darkeheart looked at Brightheart. "I don't know which she-cat is scheduled for tonight."

"Well, it's the Torture Firestar Episode, you figure it out." Hawkfrost meowed dryly. Darkeheart glared. Hawkfrost shrunk back and looked at the floor.

"Who could they possibly get?" Firestar looked over at Squirrelflight, who shrugged. Leafpool would have been there to support her father, but she'd been hiding in shame since the whole 'the kits are actually mine' deal. Good riddance. Sandstorm growled and shook her head, looking backwards at Yellowfang, who shrugged.

"Actually," Brightheart leaned over and whispered to Darkeheart, who's eyes glinted.

"No. How come I didn't think of that?"

"Dunno." The one-eyed she-cat shrugged before turning to the audience. "Tonight, our guest is ThunderClan's very own - CINDERPELT!"

"_WHAT?!_" Firestar screeched. Graystripe, Dustpelt, and Lionheart began laughing hysterically. Cinderpelt, with some amount of dignity, walked up on stage and sat next to the two she-cats.

She glared at Firestar. "So it's 'what', huh? That's a very good response. At least it's better than what I got while I was living." She looked at Sandstorm. "Still blind?" The ginger she-cat nodded, sighing with exasperation. Cinderpelt sighed. "I thought so." She turned to the cats on stage. "Hello." She gave Hawkfrost a pointed look. "Okay, so, can we get this over with? Please?"

"Sure." Darkeheart shrugged casually, before looking up at Blackstar, who was in charge of the oneshot. "LET'S READ THE ONESHOT!"

"All right, all right, be _quiet_!" Blackstar, like Redtail, had been partied out.

"Ignore him - apparently cream soda isn't a good thing for cats to drink." Ravenpaw popped up on stage, snickering. "Has certain 'effects'."

Darkeheart pushed him off the stage. "ONESHOT! NOW!"

"Hey, that was uncalled fo-" Angry caterwauls were sounded, and once again, the oneshot came on with yowling in the background.

-:^:-:^:-:^:-:^:-:^:-

Cinderpelt growled, angrily pacing the forest floor, claws digging into the damp ground around the river.

She'd had _so much_ hope for Leafpool, and now the stupid little tabby was ruining it! She was a medicine cat, for StarClan's sake! It was bad enough he was from another _Clan_.

This didn't help Cinderpelt at _all_.

She sighed and ran to the edge of the lake, hoping to find solace in the seemingly endless depths. The darkness helped, the sounds of night were calming - but it did not ease her frustration.

All this anger, and she didn't know what she was supposed to _do_ about out. She didn't know if she'd done the right thing, if she'd been to hard on Leafpool....no, she didn't know anything anymore.

Well, she knew one thing.

She sat, her tail tip twitching restlessly. Would she die before this was resolved? She realized she had to do something quick, otherwise, when it was her time, things might not fix themselves. But _how_ was she going to do it?

"Hello."

Cinderpelt jumped and crouched, wearily staring at the tabby who had just appeared. "What are you doing here?" She spat.

"I believe cats of any clan are allowed to walk on the lake's edge, are they not?" Hawkfrost asked calmly.

Cinderpelt didn't ease. "That doesn't mean cats of any Clan should be out here in the middle of the night."

" 'Any clan' includes you, doesn't it?" He sat, his tail curled around his haunches as if he'd been asked to stay.

"My apprentice couldn't sleep and went to gather herbs. I came to find her before she got lost in the darkness." Cinderpelt rose barely.

"Sitting by the lake doesn't seem very productive. Do you want me to help find her?"

"I just sent her back. A medicine cat has every right to enjoy the starlight on the lake." She was too defensive, she knew it, but her anger over the situation was coming out on him, and she really didn't mind.

"Yes, she does." He agreed with a dip of his head. In the silence, she looked away from his ice blue eyes. "I assume you want me to leave now. That is only natural, of course. Would you like me to walk you back to your camp, or can you manage on your own?"

"I can manage, thank you very much." She stood, tail tip whipping in a momentary bout of anger. "Goodnight, Hawkfrost - I trust you'll make it back to your Clan without disturbing mine?"

"Of course, Cinderpelt." She almost stopped right there. He knew her name? But she kept walking anyway, unaware of the prescence slinking out to meet Hawkfrost, planning to destroy Firestar as his daughter destroyed him.

The knowledge would have destroyed her image of him, and with her death looming on the horizon, StarClan saved her from that fate.

-:^:-:^:-:^:-:^:-:^:-

When the show came back on, all Rowanclaw could see was a lump of something black and white. Was it....fur?

Tigerpaw growled. "What happened?"

"Daddy! Where did the picture go? Daddy!" Dawnpaw wailed.

"Hold on, hold on, I'm working on it!" Rowanclaw leaped over to the TV and started messing with the bunny ears. Stupid TV. Reception in ShadowClan was horrible.

"Well, hurry up. If I need to go down there again, I have to leave now." Tawnypelt mewed.

Rowanclaw stood back, staring at the TV. "It's not....it's not our signal. I think something's gone wrong."

Tawnypelt snarled angrily. "Oh, StarClan, can they not take care of themselves?"

"Can we go too?" Flamepaw asked excitedly.

"Sure - but _you_ better keep them away from all those idiots!" Tawnypelt glared at Rowanclaw, who nodded immediately and started sucking up. She smiled and the five ran off to Tigerstar's studio.

When they got there, it was chaos. The black and white fur turned out to be Tallstar, who was still asleep - Littlecloud, the camera cat, was incapacitated, his paws still in position. Tawnypelt sighed. "_What_ are they doing?" She squinted. "Oh, I see Darkeheart and Willowfire, of course. Stupid little mayhem-starters." She paused. "But what is that they're pelting...?" She gasped. "Mouse dung!" And then she dashed down to the stage.

"What did she see?" Dawnpaw insisted.

Rowanclaw narrowed his eyes. "I dunno, they're throwing crowfood at _some cat_, who's trying to hide behind the big red show-curtains...Hey, Flamepaw, where are you going?"

"To ask what's going on." Rowanclaw sighed, then he, Dawnpaw, and Tigerpaw followed. "Hey -" Flamepaw lightly poked a large,, unusually happy tabby tom. "What happened?"

The tom turned. "I dunno. The oneshot mentioned Leafpool and suddenly the crowd noticed she was hiding near Firestar, so they started throwing things at her. A couple of cats tried to defend her, but then they started getting crowfood thrown at them. And then...well, it all got fuzzy."

"Did it really?" Tigerpaw asked, shocked.

"No, I've just always wanted to say that." The tom shrugged, then squinted at Rowanclaw. "Hey, I know you - Rowansomething, right?"

"Rowanclaw." He mewed dryly, scooping his kits away.

"Oh. You had kits? How nice." The tom looked around. "So, hey, do any of you guys know what _exactly_ Leafpool did? I was kind of out of the loop for that one. Normally, I wouldn't care, but considering she's Firestar's daughter..." He shrugged.

"Hey, you're Tigerstar!" Dawnpaw exclaimed. Rowanclaw grabbed her scruff and pulled her back.

"That's right, kid." He looked from Flamepaw to Tigerpaw. "Well? Either of you two know?"

Flamepaw nodded. "Yeah. She had kits: Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, and Jayfeather."

"Really?" Tigerstar grinned. "Well, she's _bad_."

"With a tom from another Clan!" Dawnpaw added, almost happily. "Crowfeather, from WindClan!"

"Hold on just one minute." Tigerstar turned to the stage, his paw against his muzzle. "TAKE THIS, LEAFPOOL!" And he chucked an ice pop at her.

Rowanclaw steered the kits away after that. It wasn't long before Tawnypelt dashed up to them. "Come on, we're leaving." The commotion had died down, and cats were shaking themselves off, trying to find friends and family from under heaps of crowfood and stale popcorn.

"But, Tawnypelt-"

"NO!" The she-cat rounded on Darkeheart and Willowfire, who pouted.

"We only wanted to take revenge for the mayhem that she caused!" Willowfire protested.

"There will be no more tossing of anything edible in this studio! Or I _will_ find an army to process you all!"

"Process?" Darkeheart cocked her head.

"Twoleg jail!"

"She's been watching too many cop shows." Rowanclaw whispered.

Tawnypelt hissed. "Now, both of you, _stop causing trouble_!" She then proceeded to drag her kits out of the stuio, being met with much protest, but with Rowanclaw's help, they managed to get them back to ShadowClan.

"Hey, was that Tawnypelt?" Brambleclaw wondered.

"I dunno." Blackstar stumbled and landed on his face. Someone laughed. He lifted a weary paw at Stormfur. "DON'T MOCK ME!"

Willowfire went over to the camera and pushed Tallstar away, causing him to grunt. She sneered, before tilting her head to the side to look in the camera. "Remember to join us next time for another dramatic episode of the Hawkfrost Dating Show! We'll try not to let Tawnypelt know when we pelt Leafpool with stuff for revenge!" She waved a paw, and then went to see how much she could do to Tallstar before he woke up.


	11. Bluestar

**Star: **I'M HERE!!! AND I HAVE THE ONESHOT READY!!!

**Faith:** (looks out at the audience) Be happy - she got it done in a week and one day, instead of a month like before.

**Star: **(glares at Faith) Don't remind them of that! (grins at the audience) But moving on - we do not own Just Dance by Lady Gaga. Well, actually, I _do_ own it - got it on iTunes today! OH! And the whole 'You would be dead' quote in the oneshot was _technically_ from BBC's Primeval. But who cares? JUST DANCE! (dances)

**Faith:** (shakes head) She's hyper. Oh heck, I'll be hyper too! (dances) READ AND REVIEW!

* * *

_Finally _back in StarClan, in the familiar little room that we've all grown accustomed to, it's big screen TV freshly dusted, the couch cushions fluffed up to offer prime comfort, and a stash of gummy worms and other such candies hidden under Tallstar's side of the piece of furniture, three figures entered, arguing rather loudly.

Cause _nothing_ can be quiet in StarClan. Rest in peace, _yeah right_.

"I'm telling you, Tallstar, I have no clue what happened to your Sprite! Get over it!" Lionheart huffed, plopping himself on the couch.

Whitestorm rolled his eyes as the WindClan leader _discreetly_ reached under the couch for a box of gummy worms, the black-and-white tom muttering to himself as he ate the candy, and sat down on Lionheart's other side. "Why didn't Redtail come back with us?" He looked around, eyes alert and ears pricked. "And where're Oakheart and Tigerstar?"

Lionheart rolled his eyes, obviously in a foul mood. "Well, _Redtail_ decided to not come back because he wanted to hang out with those _weirdo_ _she-cats_, in stead of hanging out with us - he didn't even show up for our ping-pong game! We've been planning that for weeks! He was so excited, and I was finally gonna win that fifty mouse-tails back I lost at checkers!"

Whitestorm gave the golden tom a look, then just sighed. "And I take it that Oakheart and Tigerstar are still at the studio?"

"Tigerstar said he had a 'surprise' for Oakheart," Tallstar piped up. "And Oakheart said if it wasn't a new cell phone he was gonna take the old one and shove -"

"What are you guys doing up here?" Goldenflower was in the doorway with Frostfur, Willowpelt, and Silverstream. They all had varius looks of disappointment and annoyance on their faces.

"Yeah, I thought ya'll were staying at the studio from now on," Willowpelt eased past her friends and went to sit beside Whitestorm.

"Ugh, _no_," Lionheart snapped. "Why would we wanna stay there?"

"Well, are you gonna watch the show?" Silverstream came on in, and the other two, sharing a look, followed suit, coming in and squeezing in on the remaining amount of couch space.

"I don't care," Lionheart crossed his paws and turned away, unwittingly, towards Tallstar, who hissed and shielded his delightful gummy things away from the former ThunderClan deputy.

"What do you think, Tallstar?" Whitestorm asked, a wary look on his face as he did so.

"Eh, why not?" Came the reply, though distorted from being spoke around a mouthfull of candy.

"Who's on this time? I heard it was another two-parter," Frostfur spoke up, grabbing the remote with a bored expression on her face.

"Dunno," Tallstar meowed. "It's comin' on now, though - oh rats."

"What?" Goldenflower rolled her eyes, but asked anyway.

"I gotta go to the little kitten's room again. Excuse me," the former WindClan leader got up and walked away, pausing to glare at Frostfur, who held the remote. "Don't turn it on 'til I get back."

As soon as he was out of sight, Frostfur gave the remote to Goldenflower, a smirk on her face. "He told _me_ not to turn it on," she purred. Goldenflower smirked as she hit the power button, and the show began, this time from a safe distance away.

At least, that's how Whitestorm felt about it.

---

"Hay-lo everybody!" A brown tabby she-cat was on stage, grinning rather maniacally at the cameras. "It's me, Willowfire, and I'm going to be co-hosting this episode! My fellow co-host, Darkeheart, is currently backstage torturi- I mean, _negociating_ with Tigerstar over hosting rights to the show -"

"That's a load of fox-dung!" Brambleclaw burst out from backstage, covered in hot pink band-aids. "_I'm _the host, not you imposters! Get offa my stage!"

Willowfire turned and glared at the tabby tom, claws unsheathed. "Uh, _excuse me_? _I'm_ the host now, buddy. Now go sit in the audience like a good little ThunderClan deputy."

"No, I'm hosting this show - I have a contract! Do you? Oh, no, I don't think so." Brambleclaw snarled, his eyes narrowed.

"Don't make me take you back stage, boy - I got syran wrap!" Willowfire hissed. Then she smirked and gave a loud caterwaul. "SECURITY!" And two sharp-tooths (perfectly trained, wearing shock-collars and black "SECURITY" shirts) came and dragged Brambleclaw away, hissing and spitting.

Tawnypelt looked at Squirrelflight, who was giving herself a nail-job. "Aren't you gonna do somethin'?"

Squirrelflight, who was still pretty peeved about her own episode, just tossed her head and went back to filing her claws into fine, sharp points. "Why should I? He obviously doesn't mind sleeping near Dustpelt and Cloudtail - he still hasn't begged for forgiveness yet."

Redtail, who was sitting on the front row, looked at the cat beside him, Ravenpaw, in confusion. "What's syran wrap?"

Ravenpaw shrugged his black shoulders, never looking away from the stage. "I dunno, but it sounds _bad_..."

"Hey, I want some stage time," Blackstar stood up from his seat, also in the front row.

"Sit yo' white butt _down_, Blackstar," Willowfire growled, glaring at the massive tom.

Russetfur jumped up to defend her leader. "Hey! Us ShadowClan cats never get any stage time!"

"Russetfur, shut up." Blackstar grumbled, and his deputy sat down quickly.

"Hey, why didn't we get front row seats? We're leaders too!" Onestar stood up with Leopardstar.

Willowfire just rolled her eyes. "Because you two aren't cool enough to have a front row seat. And neither Darkeheart or myself like you, Leopardstar. And Onestar, you really ticked me off back in Eclipse, so you wouldn't get any special privilages anyway." Said WindClan leader sat down, sulkily. The she-cat turned back to the cameras, a smile on her face. "Well, as I was going to say before I was so _rudely_ interrupted by a mad tabby, tonight is the Torture Oakheart Episode Part One!" She paused, and the studio audience applauded loudly. The spotlight hit the former RiverClan deputy, who's eyes were wide in shock. "And our first guest is... BLUESTAR!" Willowfire paused again while the audience applauded. "Unfortunately, Bluestar was unable to attend tonight, so we will be doing the show without her, because, apparantly, since she's so high-and-mighty, she was too good for us -"

"Hey everybody!" Darkeheart came from back stage, happily leading Tigerstar out on stage as well, the latter of which was holding a case of root beer in one paw and an opened two-leter in the other, drinking it quite contentedly, though he was staggering just a little. She bounced over to her tabby friend excitedly. "Did you start it yet?"

"Just about to - Oh, hey Tigerstar. Wanna make a joke or something about Oakheart, since this is his torture episode?" Willowfire offered, grinning.

Tigerstar sat his two-leter down and pointed out at the RiverClan tom, who was glaring at the stage. "You 'ad dis comin', Oaky! Textin' 'at she-cat in _my_ studio..." And then he fell backwards, taking his open two-leter with him.

Willowfire arched an eyebrow at the tabby's slurred speech, looking at her glossy black-pelted friend, who just shrugged, a gleam in her blue eyes. "He had two other two-leters back stage. It has _effects_..."

"SEE!" Ravenpaw stood up in his seat. "I TOLD YOU!"

"Okay, moving on," Willowfire continued. "Oh crap - look at this mess!" She flicked her tail at the puddle of root beer beside Tigerstar. "CLEANING CREW!"

Darkeheart rubbed her ears. "Geez, you're loud tonight."

Her friend just shrugged as the cleaning cats came out with their mops and buckets, both being very noticably dark and thin. Both she-cat got grins of their faces. "You know," Willowfire remarked. "I'm so glad we _promoted_ Nightcloud and her no-good mate to cleaning duty."

"As good as it is, we need to get this thing rolling," Darkeheart remarked. "HAWKFROST!"

Willowfire arched her eyebrow again. "And you called _me_ loud."

"NO! I'M NOT COMING OUT UNTIL THE TIN FOIL IS GONE!"

The two she-cats shared a confused look. "Tin foil? We don't have any tin foil."

"Oh, okay, good." Hawkfrost came out on stage, but stopped short, glaring at Willowfire. "You said you didn't have any tin foil!"

Willowfire just smirked and held up a small elongated box. "This isn't tin foil, idiot - it's _syran wrap_."

"ONESHOT!" Darkeheart yowled, glaring at the two tabbies. "QUIT STALLING!"

"GEEZ, _FINE_!" Willowfire put her paws over her ears, while Hawkfrost just whimpered.

* * *

Bluestar sighed as she walked around the borders of StarClan. Even after so long away from her clan, she still enjoyed border patrols. Well, she did. She knew she should be content, but she felt... trapped.

She'd never really been the adventerous type, but she was - had been the leader of ThunderClan. She hadn't had time to dream of roaming and exploring, and she'd had everything she had needed to survive in the territory. There had been no reason to go off and leave her clan, all of the cats that had depended on her, to fend for themselves. But now... Now she was here for forever, and she already felt like there was nothing new to see.

_No_, she corrected herself._ There was still something she hadn't really seen_.

Either it was the rebellious, dangerous nature of the idea, or her own fascination and curiousity about the place that drove Bluestar to the edge of the Dark Forest. She hesitated slightly before crossing over, eyes glancing all over the shadowed territory, taking in the frail, distorted, faint scents around her.

She knew that the cats that inhabited the Place of No Stars were the outcasts, the evil of the clans. The cats that deserved this place. She knew of several in this place - cats from her own clan that had betrayed her, and others that had betrayed their clan to warrant their sentence to the Dark Forest. Her blue eyes narrowed at the thought.

A rustle in the bushes caught her attention. She pricked her ears, her eyes staring in suspision at the bush, waiting for something to step out of it. A low purr came from behind her, causing her to whirl around, her neck-fur bristling, to see Hawkfrost behind her.

"You'd be dead by now if it weren't me," he meowed smugly, sitting down and crossing his tail over his paws.

"Yes, well, I don't see how I have much to fear here," Bluestar replied, holding her head high as she regained herself.

"And what brings a distinguished leader like yourself, Bluestar, all the way from StarClan to our humble forest?" He asked, though she didn't take the compliment as such.

"You say that as if you enjoy it here," she remarked, sitting down herself, but keeping alert.

"You didn't answer my question."

Blue eyes glared into blue eyes for a moment, before Bluestar replied. "Just a little... excursion."

"I'd imagine it gets boring, being stuck with a bunch of good guys, huh?" Hawkfrost purred.

"And I suppose you don't get tired of being around the bad guys?" Bluestar narrowed her eyes.

"Eh, we don't run into each other at all - doomed to spend eternity alone in this endless night, and all that." He rolled his eyes in contempt. "Of course, Tigerstar manages to get around that all the time, I guess."

"Tigerstar always had a knack for getting around the rules," Bluestar muttered, then she stood. "Well, as much as I enjoyed our conversation, I'm afraid it's time for me to get back."

"Your pathetic, goody-goody friends will be missing you, no doubt," Hawkfrost narrowed his eyes at the former leader of ThunderClan.

She growled at his remark, but began walking back towards StarClan. "Goodbye, Hawkfrost." She heard him snort in reply, and as she glanced over her shoulder, she saw him disappear with a rustle of the ferns. But, as she quickly crossed the border back into StarClan's territories, she didn't see the icy blue eyes watching from the shadows.

* * *

"Okay, tune in next time for part two of The Hawkfrost Dating Show - TORTURE OAKHEART EPISODE!" Willowfire yowled at the camera, all smiles forgotten.

"Now, DANCE PARTY!" Darkeheart screeched, dancing on stage. "HIT IT LONGTAIL!"

The pale tabby tom up in the soundbooth put his over-sized headphones around his neck and began playing music. How can a blind cat work a soundbooth, you ask? Very carefully.

"WOOT WOOT!" Redtail joined them from back stage, wearing a ping-and-green wig, pink star glasses, and wearing... spandex? No, we don't want to know.

Ravenpaw jumped up on stage. "PAR-TAY!" Darkeheart cackled and pushed him off the stage, and he landed with a crash. "HEY! What was that for?" He glared up at the she-cat, who was high-pawing Willowfire.

"Eh, doesn't matter," Graystripe helped his friend back on stage, then struck a pose with the music. "JUST DANCE!"

"Ooh! I love Lady Gaga!" Tawnypelt jumped up, grabbing Rowanclaw. "COME ON!"

"Wait for me!" Squirrelflight jumped up as well, then, ignoring Brambleclaw (who had been released into the audience by Security), grabbed Stormfur and ran for the stage.

"HEY!" Brook yowled, chasing after them. "He's _mine_!"

---

The end credits were playing when Tallstar re-entered the room. "HEY! I told you guys not to play it without me!"

Goldenflower shrugged. "Oh well - you can get over it."

"Yeah, you aren't a leader anymore anyway," Frostfur remarked, snickering.

The black-and-white tom just huffed and went to his seat. He looked around, confused for a moment. "Hey, where's my chocolate fairy bunny?" He turned to glare at Lionheart.

The golden tom had a brown smear around his mouth, and had his paws crossed over his chest. "Life sucks. Redtail was _my_ friend - not theirs!"

"Oh, just go get him, already!" Whitestorm growled. He'd gotten tired of listening to him moaning and griping over the _other_ former ThunderClan deputy.

"Hey, Goldenflower, look at the time!" Willowpelt gasped from her spot beside the white tom. "We're gonna miss it!"

"Miss what?" Tallstar asked, covered in purple sugar from the box of Peeps he had opened.

"UGLY KITTY!" Goldenflower and Frostfur screeched together, as Goldenflower turned the channel.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The three toms yowled, but, alas, were helpless to change their fate.


End file.
